home alone

Wow, its been like a week since i've updated. It's saturday, i'm homealone. I have a project due in a week already. In math yesterday, we took oursecond lesson of the year. So many flashbacks went torough my head as I sat there stariing in confusion. Anyone wanna explain to me just what the hell a function is and how you write one? Anyway, I went to my friend's birthday party yesterday. It blew so i went to the fottball game, that blew too, although we did win. I have work tonight. I'm a server at a banquet hall. I think tonight's event is a wedding. That should be fun. Over the summer, I had forgotten what kind of idiots, assholes, and bitches i went to school with, except for a select few. I'm walking through the halls, just kind of looking at everyone. I'm thinking to my self, o crap another 2 years of this shit. What sucks even more is that there arefeshmen who are taller than I am. But then again, what did I expect, I'm 5'1/2" everyone is taller than i am.I should probably start that history project, or not.

Now i'm just confused

A few nights ago i was watching Die HArd, one of my all time favorite movies. My brother comes in and watches the last 45 minutes of it with me. afterwards, we just start talking.It has been a very long time since this has happened. I guess you could say he came clean. He was up front with me about how he really feels. O yea, i should probably include that since he failed his pis test and he might go to jail for a few days he decided to live at home while he was studying. I'm relieved to say he returned to the arab way. Anyway, i don't know if I believe everything he told me. He's lied to my face before, so i don't have full trust in him. Wow I'm really hungry for pizza right now. Today is the last day of summer vacation. School starts tomorrow and i'm pissed. But i still feel like having pizza.

What a dumbshit

My brother failed his pis test today. Well, i should probably mention that a few months ago he was caught with marijuana. It put me through hell. It put all of us through hell. We went through the lawyer, court, everything. He was put on a year probation with random pis tests. He went today and he failed. What a dumbshit. He denied that he did any since the trial, i think. He and my mom went back to the center to pay $25 to get it confirmed at a lab. He could go to jail over this depending on how much is actually in his system. Obviously he goes to court again, and it's another year of all this bullshit all over again. And i hate him for it. I hate him for putting us all through this shit. When he came home and told us i left the room. I heard them from upstairs though. They both started crying after a while. I didn't. That's what's so wierd. It's almost as if i saw this coming. I guess i did but never acknowledged it in my mind. I already cried over this. It was few months ago. I was trying to sleep but couldn't i cried the entire night till i had to go to school the next morning. I can't believe it. I guess slowly i'm blocking it out of my system. But shit just keeps happening. It's a vicious cycle. I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! My dad is at work right now, so he dosen't know what happened. He called and asked but i just said that he came back, and he and my mom went out without telling me. I couldn't tell him. I don't have the heart, especially with my dad. If you're reading this please leave a comment, i could really use some kind words or something. I hope you're week is better than mine.

the summer without carlo (frankee's story con't)

The summer before my junior year was the summer without Carlo. Near the end of my sophomore year, I got busy with softball and the spring musical and finals. I saw less and less of Carlo and we kept on having the same fight, I was too busy for him, he was tired of having a relationship with my voicemail, yadda yadda yadda… We ended up breaking up at the end of the year and I spent my first summer without Carlo, with Tikwon. Tikwon was a gay black guy from Detroit. He was in New York for the summer. He was enrolled in the NYFA summer program. I’ll never forget how I met Tikwon and all we did together.
It was about 2 weeks after I broke up with Carlo. Rickie was sick of seeing me not do anything all day. She finally came in one morning and started yelling at and undressing me. She said she was sick of this drama shit and that I and she were going to go spend the day in Manhattan, and we weren’t coming back till nighttime. She shoved me into the shower, threw my clothes at me when I got out, and shot me with a hairdryer till I got dressed. She did my hair super fast and stuffed a nutria-grain bar down my throat. When she was doing my hair I looked at her and just began laughing. I love how she acted to be pissed when she was trying to help me. Only a best friend would wake you up at 7 in the summer, start stripping you, shove you into a blistering cold shower, dry you off, dress you, and style your hair all in 20 minutes. That’s how you can tell what you really mean to you’re best friend. Of course, I would definitely do the same for Rickie. Anyway when we went out the door I was still laughing. “race you to the station” I said. “You’re on bitch! 1-2-3 GO!” It had been such a long time since we raced, no one ever won. Our bodies always went the exact same speed as one another. We always tied. I ran so fast. I felt the blood rushing all through my body. My hair breathed in the wind. I took deep full breaths of morning Brooklyn air. I felt so alive. We arrived with the train and just barely made it on. We tied. We were laughing silly. It felt so wonderful to be so careless for a few minutes. But then I remembered Carlo and the bliss ended. Rickie gave me a sympathetic look. I sat down on a bench and she sat down next to me. “Hey, It could be worse, babe. Listen today I want you to forget about him okay. Today, It’s just you and me in the greatest city in the world, okay. We are gonna go do whatever the hell we feel like doing. We’re gonna go to lady liberty, times square, the NYSE, The Empire state building, ground zero, Chinatown and little Italy. We’re gonna go everywhere okay? And we’re gonna be crazy and we’re gonna scream and run around topless if you want! C’mon Frankee! We’re gonna have it good today, okay? Just don’t think about him for today okay?” “Okay I promise” I said with the smile coming back to my face. We went down to the financial district to see all the business people and lawyers rush to work. We went into a courtroom and witnessed a hearing. Then we went to city hall to witness a wedding. The couple was eloping and they didn’t mind our presence. They were happy that someone wanted to see them get married. Around noon we went to Times Square and decided to sing on the street corner for money. We sang Motown favorites and Sinatra, even some Elvis. That’s where we met Tikwon. He asked to film us with his camera and we were thrilled. He was making a movie about street entertainment/vendors in the city. Instead he ended up following us for the rest of the day. I ended up making movies with him for the rest of the summer. He followed us to Ellis Island, up in the lady of liberty, also In Chinatown where we all had dinner. When night fell we went to the top of the Empire State building and looked at New York in all its glory. We talked and wondered…how many people were having sex, how many people are looking up at us right now, how many people are about to get divorced, how many cheaters were getting caught tonight, pretty much everything.
It was a great day. I felt so free and powerful. After the subway heart to heart between Rickie and me, I don’t think I gave Carlo a second thought.
That summer I spent a lot of time with Tikwon. We would always venture out into the city trying to get interesting pieces to make documentaries. We made many successful ones. Our footage was very interesting to get. We made a documentary about gun control and crime in our city- that was the riskiest and most exiting one to make. We ambushed politicians and tried to get their insights and asked what is actually being done. We were blown off a lot, but we actually got invited to the DA’s office so we could talk and interview. We took a walk through south Bronx to go around asking people how they felt about crime, and if they had ever been victimized or witnessed one. Almost everyone said yes. We even got chased because we got footage of an actual brawl where a man got shot. The guy with the gun began to shoot at us when he discovered where we were hiding. He chased us through many streets through a building into an apartment and down a fire escape. We finally lost him when we jumped on a bus. I never told anyone about that manhunt. But our footage helped the police catch the guy and put him away. Our other documentaries were people who struck our fancy, smoking, hookers, flea markets and lots of other random footage that was interesting and appealing. Tikwon wanted to do an interview with me where he asked me my life story. It took 5 hours to film. He asked me about my mother, my family, Rickie, Carlo, Everything. It was like one very big analysis of my entire life and everything in it. There were many tears and laughs throughout the process. In the end, I felt I had a better understanding of my own life and my feelings. And I think that’s what led me back to Carlo. All the questions he asked, all the feelings that went through in my head and my heart; It was like my whole life made sense to me for a little while, but only for a little while. It put one thing in perspective- I loved Carlo and couldn’t cut him out of my life. I cared for him and we belonged together. It was like one magnificent thing through two people. I feel like god brought Tikwon to me, to bring me back to Carlo. I knew I had to get him back.

Mr. Smith...Again

I went to school for registration today. I got the same science teacher as last year(yea!). He is SO hot! But I also got the same math teacher as last year, Mr. Smith(no!). he didn't like me very muck, i don't think, plus he's a hard teacher. HE's stubborn mean and almost impossible to get extra help from without getting a hard time. Come to think about it you can't ask questions in his class without him giving you a hard time. Mr. Smith thought i was on drugs, just because i was rubbing my eyes in his clas and they ended up red. HE says "Shro, (long pause, everyone is silent) get off them drugs, Girl(he's black by the way)! You are just too young to be caught up in such a mess." then he goes on for about 6 minutes about how i shouldn't be a junkie,and the class just sort of laughs.I'm not a junkie, the worst thing i've gone is cigarettes. In my defense it was a monday morning (2nd hr.) after a sleepless weekend. Anyway, I can't wait too see his face when he calls my name for attendance. That should be fun. BUt however, i am switching out of his class.

Aside from that the only other thing that happened today that's worth acknowledgement in this post is that my mom forgot to pick me up from the gym and i sat outside on the sidewalk for 1/2 an hour waiting. O well. no point in bitching.

i think i'll be okay, i hope.....

my brother came back, but only for a little while. He found a place near OCC, where he's gonna be going to school. There was a lot of yelling when i left the house. I was gone for about 5 hours. When i came back, he was gone , but he returned shortly after i did. He came back. we were all okay for that time. No yelling. No nothing. We talked in a civil manner all of us. It almost never happens. For a family of 4 we are VERY difunctional, but what can you do? Anyway, HE moves out for good next week. I think he'll leave, and we'll all be at peace with each other. I think i'll be okay. i hope.....

drumroll please(frankee's story)....

this is the story i said I would post. FYI- this is a flashback, marty is her current boyfriend who just said those 3 words that change everything. Enjoy.

“marty, I do love you. I just felt guilty, I owe you an explanation. See, in high school I dated this guy, Carlo. He worked at the family restaurant. He was a year older than I was. Anyway we started dating when I was 14. We fell in love, the works. He always was jealous of other guys and me, but that’s what made him so sweet, he cared. Anyway, the summer after I graduated daddy, bobby, angela, the kids, Al, my aunt Gina and uncle Vinnie, Vito, Tony, Gianni, and Devon all went to Italy for a month. It was fun but it was hell for carlo. He couldn’t an entire month of not seeing me, knowing that I was gonna be surrounded by Hunky Italians for a month and not seeing him. I enjoyed the views, but I really did miss him. I truly did love him with all my heart. How could I not? He was handsome, funny, and devoted. He talked too much and was self conscious, but it was those imperfections that made him so perfect for me. Anyway, when we finally came back, HE asked my family for my hand. They were thrilled, obviously. They loved him like a member of the family, which he practically was. He threw a party and invited all of his family and friends and my family and friends. Everyone knew he was going to propose, except me. It came as such a surprise, but I was so happy. Everything was perfect, I was marrying the guy I love, I was gonna help out with the family business and pretty soon take over it with my uncle bob and future husband, Everything was absolutely perfect. In the back of my mind I knew it all too good to be true, b/c stuff like that doesn’t happen to people like me. And of course I was right. About a month before the wedding he was visiting an old friend in south Bronx. It was nighttime. He called me, told me he was coming home, I told him to be careful……………………………………………………..
HE was killed in a drive-by shooting. It wasn’t intended for him. But shit happens. It happens to me. It took me forever to get out of the house again. I’m still not quite fully recoved. It still hurts when I think about it. This is the first time I’ve talked about it since it happened. HELL, I lost my virginity to him! He’s the only person I’ve ever been with, actually. Hunny , what I’m trying to say is that it’s been a while since I’ve opened up and loved someone. It’s just been so hard, because I stil feel guilty. But I do love you. Very much.. And I want to stop feeling guilty because it wasn’t my fault. And I want to love again, because I know how it is the sweetest thing. So marty, please give me a second chance and I promise to try my very best to love you with everything I have.”
“Frankee, you never even blew your first one. You were like a lost ship looking for the lighthouse fog light you sailed away from. That fog light broke, so you found mine instead.”
“ I’ve been lost for 6 years and you finally brought me back to where I want to be…with you.”
*****
“I never knew my mom. I was a mistake. She was 14 when she had me. My dad was 15. Anyway after her parents disowned her my fathers’ family took her in. She gave birth. About 2 weeks afterward she ran away and all the note said was a very selfish and irresponsible “I’m Sorry”. I’ve never seen her before and I know if I ever did I’d kill her just for what she put my dad and my family through.”

My dad first got married when I was 13. It was like hell for me because I felt like I was losing my only parent to some blonde woman who talks weird.

*****

he came over while I was babysitting. The kid wouldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong. He came and I was very stressed. “Hey, I heard you were babysitting and thought I might drop by.” “Aw, Carlo I don’t know what’s wrong with ‘em! He won’t stop crying! I tried everything; I don’t know what to do!” “lemme try” he said as he came in and made his way to the baby. He put both his hands on his stomach and started shaking them gently. It worked. “When I was a baby my mom ways put me in this vibrating chair and it kept occupied for hours, go get something that vibrates and stick it in the crib.” Carlo had saved me. I was so happy that I hugged him. We embraced for a while unintentionally. I think we stood there for a good 5 minutes not saying anything. I was getting really nervous, this had never happened before. I have had a crush on Carlo ever since I was a toddler. I looked up into his eyes. I could tell he was holding his breath. I was holding mine. He looked at my lips and back at my eyes. I smiled he went in 90% and I finished off the 100. It was amazing. His tongue was rich and moist on mine. His lips were full and soft. I never wanted to let go of him. I had one hand on his shoulder and the other on the back of his head in his silky hair. Both of his hands started on my lower back and they followed each other up to my hair. I was dazed. “oh frankee, I’ve been wanting to do that for so long” he said as he was breathing out nervously . He too, was mystified. “Carlo, I think we both wanted each other since forever ago.” “Yea?” “Yea!” We both began to laugh, a laugh of relief, a laugh of satisfaction a heartfelt laugh. We sat down. “Listen” I said “ lets just keep this whole thing a secret for now.” “Of course, I don’t think we’re ‘ready’ to let everyone know yet, are we?” “No, lets just give this thing a chance to happen and we’ll tell when we’re ready.” “Okay honey”

We couldn’t tell everyone right away, my family is crazy. They’ll just stick us in a pressure cooker until we explode. We needed time to get into each other which didn’t take long. We’d meet at the roof of mr. catchitori’s fruit and vegetable market to be alone. We snuck kisses when he was over my house chillin with my cousins.

It was really Hard Not being able to tell my best friend Rickie. Rickie knows me to good. She knew I was hiding something and she kept on me about it till I was fed up and told her off. We didn’t talk for 2 day. Those were one of the longest 2 days in my life. When me and Carlo met mr. catchitori’s, I didn’t mean too, but I just started crying. I couldn’t stand not being able to tell Rickie about this new exiting part of my life. He understood, he couldn’t stand not being able to tell Gianni. He told me to tell her. It might make sneaking around a little easier. I called her up immediately. I told her how sorry I was and that Carlo and I had hooked up and that it killed me not being able to tell her. She was thrilled for me of course. We probably couldn’t have snuck around for as long as we did if it wasn’t for her.

After 3 weeks, Uncle vinnie caught us. . We weren’t really about uncle Vinnie he wasn’t a very big talker. But he used it against me a lot. 3 months later Angela caught us. We made her swear not to tell ANYONE. It took a lot of convincing not to tell my dad but we finally got through to her. We just weren’t ready yet.

One Friday night we were all in the living room watching a flick when I went in to make popcorn. Carlo went in for a “refill” We started kissing really intensely practically making out on the countertop. Bobby came in on us and we didn’t even notice….but everyone else in the living room did. Suddenly a mob of angry Italians ambush us. Carlo was scared shitless to see Tony, Vito, Gianni, Bobby, my Dad, and grandpa getting up about to murder him. He got behind me and made sure I was between him and them. Everyone tried to take a shot at him but they were restrained by me, Gina Angela, or Louisa. Uncle was just standing in the back laughing. After a lot of yelling, I finally got everyone to calm down and listen. Carlo began “I swear we weren’t just messing around. We’ve been dating for five months” A commotion broke out, but Angela silenced it. I began “I’m sorry, we just weren’t ready to tell yet, it’s just that he’s like part of the family and we needed to get through the first stage without all the pressure.” “MR. R, please know that I would never do anything to disrespect your family. I’m sorry everyone had to find out this way. But believe me when I say this isn’t a casual fling, I- I love Frankee, very much” “you do???” I said in total surprise “yea, “he said slowly and nervously, “I really do.” “Aw Carlo I love you too!” I hugged and kissed him right there in front of everyone. For those few seconds we had forgotten about my family. Silence was upon everyone; the TV was still running in the back ground. Angela stepped in and broke the silence “Now come on, this isn’t so bad. I mean in the back of our minds and hearts, didn’t we all hope this would happen? Who better then Carlo would we want to love Frankee? Look at them; can’t you see the love in their eyes for one another? We have to be supportive so they’ll feel comfortable about this. I mean if Frankee can’t tell her own family about her love, who can she tell? Who can she trust?” Silence filled the room once again. “I’m really sorry you guys” I said. Then uncle Vinnie started laughing. Gina smacked him and said “you knew about this didn’t you?!” “YEA! So did Angela! I bet she prepped that speech in case this happened!” My dad went blank suddenly “you knew about this?” “Robert, honey, I was only trying to help my daughter.” My grandpa looked at me all serious, then he smiled and began laughing and came over and gave me a bear hug, then he gave one to Carlo. I began to feel a flicker of relief. Then Louisa came over and did the same the Gianni came over to Carlo and apologized for trying to kill him and then he hugged me and kissed me on my forehead. Then everybody apologized and was laughing again; everyone except for Bobby.

He just slipped out of the room casually. I noticed and went after him. I found him in our room, just staring. “Hey, u okay?” he looked at me really deeply. “ How come you told Vinnie and Angela, but not me, you don’t think I could keep a secret??!!” “No, no bobby! We didn’t tell Vinnie and Angela! They caught us and we made them swear by saints not to tell a soul! And if I recall good, you were the one who caught us tonight and let everyone know. I was afraid you’d get really upset and yell or something…. Like you did tonight.” He looked at me with those same deep eyes “God dammit Frankee!!!!!!!! It’s just that I tell you just about everything, you’re my favorite person in the whole world and I know I’ve never said this but” he paused and calmed down and said “you’re my best friend babe. And I thought I knew you, like you knew me. It just feels like a really big bitch slap.” It was my turn to stare deeply. “Bobby, you do know me. Carlo is the only thing I never told you about. I never meant to hurt you. Bobby I love you and you’re my favorite person too. I mean c’mon we’re ROOMIES! If anything you know me better then I know myself. I just want you to be happy for me because Carlo makes me really happy.” We looked at each other deeply. He got smirky I smiled and laughed and put my head against his. We hugged and laughed and smiled. “Promise me one thing, Frankiee” “anything” “promise me I won’t get bumped by Carlo, promise me I’ll always be you’re favorite.” “I promise you Bobby, no one could ever take your place. You’re still the funniest, kindest, person I love. I mean Bobby; you’re my go-to guy when something goes wrong. You always were and you always will be. So are we good now?” “Yea, yea we’re good now. Ughhhhh frankee congrats on your new love and I’m glad he makes you happy. And I’m sorry if I gave you a hard time and that I let everyone know…” “Don’t sweat it, okay?”” Aiight!”

i'm gonna start posting a story i've been working on. It had been in my head for the past year or so. I started writting bits and pieces of it a few weeks ago. I think too much, which is why i started this blog. After i wrote the story, i thoroughly analyzed, like i do with everything. I came to a conclusion. Frankee's life refects my own everything i wish a i had and everything i have too much of. There is no mother in my story, however, i am good friends with my own mother. which is not common with girls my age. Frankee is tight with her father and uncle. I am not very close with my father, i Love him but he never has much to talk to me about. My father dosen't have much to talk about to anyone, except maybe my mother at times. Anyway, Frankee has a big family, I do too. All of her cousins are guys. All of my cousins are guys. Her aunt is not psycho. My aunts are. I want you make some analysis of your own once you read it. Then, tell me what you think.

there he goes...

my parents kicked my brother out of the house yesterday, he's coming for his things tomorrow. In the back of my mind,I knew he would leave, i just didn't want him to leave like this. I don't want him to have to quit school, but he's gonna have to if he wants to make it someway or another. I hope he comes around and gets his act together. I hope he realizes that he's killing me whenhe acts the way he does. I want him to stop this whole shit streak he been on for the past year and 1/2. I feel like i'm watching him ruin his life with his own two hands At least he stopped the weed...at least i hope he did...you never know when life throws you a curveball, I'v been getting a lot of those lately. Life is just too god damned dramatic. All I wanna do is be relax somewhere far far away with nothing but a pack camel lights and a few espressos. Why do they make it so damn hard to get cigarettes when your 15?? Shit, i get all mine off my brother. o well, looks like someone's gonna be cranky for a while.