all i wanted today

(sighs) all i wanted today was to spend an hour at the Village(an out door mall) with my mom without the senior shithead. I hate how we have to fucking drag her everywhere. It fucking sucks. Fuck. She leaves on january 4th. not that long way away, but oo long. She's been here since fucking september. Fuck. Back to today... I just wanted to walk aroung in the icy weather and look at all the lights and people shopping for xmas with my mom. I ended up not doing that because of that ugly old shit i call grandma. Don't get me wrong, we went. I just didn't get to chill alone with my mom, which i hate to admit, i kinda miss. It totally pissed me off how my grandma hates walking and is always bitching aboutone thing or another and she never shuts the fuck up. Fuck. I think I spent a total of 4 minutes with ol' yammo that was walking from Coldwater creek(that's where she works, she put a stuffed penguin on hold which we bought and i named rik after her hilarious, charming boss) to J. Crew. See i had dopped old shit off at parisian shoe dept. to sit/look at people. I know this sounds mean, but she likes it and it was not my idea, my mom's actually. After that she's like "o i should go get your grandma, I'll meet you at gap, okay?" And i'm like whatever. So yea. It just pissed me off. I didn't mention it to her. I don't think i should, or can. Like any daughter would, my mom loves her mom, and her mom is going to die pretty soon anyway, so i may as well let her have a good time with her without having her recieve shit from me. but it still pisses me off. Fuck. For christmas, all I want is to spend sometime with my mom without old shit being there. But that's not happening. Even though my family dosen't celebrate xmas, i still put up a tree and got them a box of fine godivas. Just watch my mom bitch at me for doing that. I'll let you know on christmas. until then, enjoys your holiday weekend everyone, god bless.

3 day before chiristmas and working at the hospital

well, i'm just waiting to go home. My ride'll be here in 20 minutes and there's like, one person in the waiting room. I skipped school today. It was the last day until break anyway. NOthing but parties and movies all day. I took all the tests earlier this week, so no worries. My mom took me shopping instead. I bought gap jeans. on sale at $12.97 not bad. After I'm finished here, i'll be going to a christmas party. that should be interesting, since i don't formally celebrate xmas. BUt hey, xmas these days is more like a marketing tactic than a religous holiday to celebrate the birth of jesus christ. comment if you agree with me, or don't(agree with me that is). I just look forward to the day after xmas when everything goes on sale. My uncle's in Vegas right now. He's here in the states from overseas, and he beat me to Vegas. That's very annoying to a travel channel junkie. But then again, I'm a minor so Vegas wouldn't be very fun for me anyway. In a few years....Shro WILL do Vegas. Until then, i have to pee...

snow day!!!!!

This is probably one of the best things about michigan. SNOW DAYS. I got up at 6 am this morning to study fot the two tests i was upposed to have. I turn on the tv on mute to check to see if there was school.Everyone was doing snow dances yesterday for the snow to fall. I guess it worked. That's great because we get a 3 day weekend. Today, life's good. So i went back to sleep and woke up again at 12. Got up saw my uncle on the computer chatting with my cousins back in syria. Anyway, I go outside and i start shoveling the driveway, which is always fun(did u catch the sarcasm on that?) . Yesterday I was working at the hospital. There was still 11 people left in surgery when i left 6. That's a lot of people.

slow internet

If you have comcast internet, for the love of god, don't switch to SBC/Dsl_ it sux and rediculously slow. OMg i guess that just shows how impatient i am. I get bored pretty easy too. O well. So anyway, in myna we're working on our event for saturday feb.16 '06. Last week we supposedly locked in our hall with a safety deposit. BUt when i called yesterday, the woman's like umm, no. And i'm like uhhhh. So i'm kinda working on that technical difficulty. You know how stuff just kinda pops into yourself subconcious like that? Well for me after i had showered at the gym i got this really bad nervous feeling and i couldn't figure it out but then i remember. I owe that one to my psyc. teacher, Mrs. Hickey. We learned about conciousness and all that stuff. I bet i wouldn't have remembered and just gotten really angry for the rest of the evening if i still had that nervous feeling. whew. I have a math quiz friday, yukky. If anyone is reading this, please tell me when i will ever use advaced algebra in my life, beyond the basics(like putting in carpet and painting walls and stuff). Like seriously, if you remember, let alone use the stuff you learned in advanced algebra, tell me so i won't feel like i'm wasting my time. Anyway. It feels late alothough its 9:45. I think its cuz the sun is settin at like, 5. i know, welecome to michigan. I was actually talking to someone in the steam room. And I asked her where she was from and She told me and pointed to the tip of her thumb on her left hand to show me exactly where. CAn anyone out of state do that with where they live? i don't think so, so HA! well, if you're from iTaly i guess you could use your boots, but the hand is better. haha

please

just hold me, and maybe i won't be so scared. just talk to me, and you may save me from myself without even knowing it. smile at me and maybe you'll make my day. Love me, and maybe i'll feel an ounce less of sadness. think of me and maybe i'll find my way into your heart, or you into mine. take me back to the stars, the moon, and everything else that is great. i had to find you, and when i did i felt relief. the kind i need right now. No one ever told me life would be this way. look me in the eye, and take my breath away. dry my tears and tell me you care. tell me you love me, and then hold me. Just hold me...just like this....be silent a while...and hold me tighter. Never let me go. Make me feel a way i have never felt. Give me that feeling i have been craving so long......

why, god damn it?

the other day i was thinking, how can some one have good character and such bad judgement? why are we so defined by our actions. Does everthing we do really define who we really are? On the inside at least? how can we be something to someone and something completely different to somone else? Why? How can we see the light on both sides but be so indecisive about what we believe and what we really want? why are we so driven and affected by society's norm? Who is society anyway? How do we become a society with norms and crap? Why are we so different then how we used to be not so long ago? how can my face be so warm but my hands so cold?? why is it that i write my best with a cigarette in my mouth? Why are we so obbsessed with living to be old? why the hell would you want to be old. Why would you want be wrinkly and dependent on other people? Why would you want to retire to a retirment home. I don't thin i could handle watching my lookis deteriorate as the years go by. I hope to die when i am still content with myself. I actually had a dream about my death. We were in lock down at school cuz there was some killer i guess. HE came into the classroom and everyone got to escape except me. I yelling al-shahada(which is a good thing) and the next thing i know i'm being stabbed to death. yet some how my brian cut that out of my dream. But then i woke up, not for real, in the dream. I was in psychology and had just experienced a hallucination. NO one even noticed. My cell goes off and its my dad. "fill up on gas on your way home" "ok, put amr on the line" i tell my brother what happened and he is uninterested. then i wake up, in real life that is. it is believed that if you see yourself die in a dream it means that a new destiny has been written for you. That scares me. It could be a better one, but it could be a horrible one as well. The more i think about it the more I am scared shitless of what the future holds for me. I am scared to know what i will do and what i will be like. It scares me shitless. Maybe i should stop cursing. I'll give it a shot this weekend. I'll see if i can go the whole weekend without an f-word. Wish me luck and leave a comment!