Happy Eid Shereen....

Today is the first day of eid al fitr- yay! i only wish it felt like it. I was in school. I was in school on a day that is equivelent to christmas. Stupid chemistry and Math lessons that i coulndn't miss. ugh. It's week 8 of the marking period and i don't feel like getting less then my standard grades. O well, eid al adha is in like, 11 weeks i think, maybe less? more maybe? i don't crae what anyone says, i'm skipping school then. I just wish i could have been in syria or egypt or saudia this time or year when everyone is happy and celebrating. Like if I took last wednesday to this wednesday off and flew over there to celebrate, that would've been great. But it didn't happen. O well. I sent buddy a eid greeting, we aren't necessary on "ideal" terms. Not bad, but not good. Very strange ones if i may say. And all the distance does not make it any easier. Neither does Bishoy. O Bishoy. that's a whole other story. I just don't know i like him but at the same time, i'm like "ummm...." I just don't know. o by the way, he's my boyfriend. Ya, great i know i don't even know how i feel about my boyfriend, who by the way is more than i could ever ask for in a guy. He's great. I still don't understand how i got so lucky to have him. I just don't know. Part of me is like "enjoy it god damn it! your in your prime you're only young once!" and the other part is saying "what the fuck is wrong with you? how the hell have you let yourself become this way? you actually let yourself date? and you have such little shame?!" it just, I hate who i've let myself become. I do feel shame, just not enough to stop what i'm doing. It just, it makes me so happy. I love meaning so much to someone and having someone mean so much to me. It makes me feel so alive. It gives me a warm feeling inside my cold self. I just don't know what to make of all that is happening. I am in good terms with my mom, and my family, which is good. Yet i feel so guilty keeping secrets from them. I think this god's way of torturing me. Mental torture, one of the worst kinds. But i guess its a good sign, that i still do fear him and i still do have faith in my religon. I know what i am doing is wrong, i'm just not ready to stop. I wanna keep swimming in the chocolate...So bad, yet so good...

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this one is for laylet al adr

God, i know I haven't been the best lately and i know that. I own up to all my mess ups, and all that. BUt it is laylet al adr, the holiest night of the year, and god this is my du'aa.

I want you to be forgiving of all the good people in the world. I want you to help all the people who need to be helped. Help those in africa who are starving or malnurished or impoverished or diseased with the deadliest of diseases. I want you to help those who are victims of bad people and put those bad people to hell. Help all those who have lost their families and and have been rapped and have been through i hell i can onnly think about. Help all those whose lives are endangered b/c of war or other traumatic events. Help the orphans who arch for some love. Give them your love and mercy. Shade them in this life as well as the next. Look after them. Help those poor people who were affected by the pakistani earthquake and those in the tsunami. Forgive good people of their sins god. They are good people who are effected by the circumstances you set for them. Forgive them god. Forgive us all. Forgive my family and make them all happy. Shade them on the day of judgement. shade us all. Purify our hearts. We are all in your hands god. Hold us. Help us.


Inna lillah wa elayhi raji3oun

Amen

this one is for laylet al adr

God, i know I haven't been the best lately and i know that. I own up to all my mess ups, and all that. BUt it is laylet al adr, the holiest night of the year, and god this is my du'aa.

I want you to be forgiving of all the good people in the world. I want you to help all the people who need to be helped. Help those in africa who are starving or malnurished or impoverished or diseased with the deadliest of diseases. I want you to help those who are victims of bad people and put those bad people to hell. Help all those who have lost their families and and have been rapped and have been through i hell i can onnly think about. Help all those whose lives are endangered b/c of war or other traumatic events. Help the orphans who arch for some love. Give them your love and mercy. Shade them in this life as well as the next. Look after them. Help those poor people who were affected by the pakistani earthquake and those in the tsunami. Forgive good people of their sins god. They are good people who are effected by the circumstances you set for them. Forgive them god. Forgive us all. Forgive my family and make them all happy. Shade them on the day of judgement. shade us all. We are all in your hands god. Hold us. Help us.


Inna lillah wa elayhi raji3oun

Amen

So, my mom had been in the hospital since friday. She had major surgery. She got a tumor removed from her facial nerve, the one behind her ear. Well, it's been a rough recovery for her. I feel so bad. I miss her. I can't standd to see her in so much pain. It kills me. My grandma came from syria last monday- woopdido. It's just, she so old and out of whack. It's frustrating how unreasonable she can be. I know it's not her fault, that's just what happens with age but still. I don't know. My mom told me, before she went into surgery, "take care of your grandma." Damn. Hopefully yammo will be coming home today or tomorrow. This ramadan had probably been the least spiritual one for me to date. It's unfortunate. I have Bishoy to blame for that. Wanna know what else is great? my brother caught me on the phone with him last night and he dosen't want me talking to him anymore. I hate that. He's my boyfriend(my brother dosen't know that). I reaaly like him. Its like, i dunno. I just do. He so great. You just don't meet people like him everyday. I wish i did though. I don't know, i just don't want to stop talking to him. But I hate sneaking around, it's too hard, too stressful. I can't stand this. This has not been a very good week. Maybe it'll get better. I sure as hell hope so. I just want things to fall in place. I'm gonna go home and sleep, then i'll go back to school for college night...ugh...college.

Just a poem...from a prespective other than my own

I sit under the water
and its coming down
down
on to me
I look up throught the steam
up at this shower head
it soaks me in realty
it drenches me with it
and there isn't much I can do...
there is
but i'm not doing it
I want to feel it
I want to be drenched in the cold water
With every drop that hits me
an inkling of my soul is released
released to finally scream about the pain
the pain that it has been soncealing for so long
and the water comes down.
I'm sitting
curled up
hiding
trying to minimize my very presence
trying to turn it into an absence
An absence no one would notice
and then I notice
and the cuts are suddenly fresh once again
and they bleed
and the red water flows
and it hurts.
Then there's the bruises
o the bruises
I cry tears of blood as it all comes back to me
terrorizing.
that's what it was
How could he have done this to me?
how could I have let him?
The pain.
O the pain
and the water is suddenly more han water,
its suddenly acid
I feel it discentigrate my flesh
Ohhhhh!!!



and i open my eyes
look up
and realize its the same cold water coming down
I start to drift to another place
a place i've been before
I realize that i'm losing myself
where have i gone?
where have I been?
where am I going?
I swallow hard
i give out a breath
and take in another one
and then i know
it's about to happen again
I hear it
its coming
NO GOD DAMN IT!

and i come to
and the water comes down.

the night was quiet
she stands by her window
peering out to the lack of view
just a few street lights
their reflections glow in the puddles
it had been raining all day
Her favorite kind of day
A little gloomy
tons of mystery
nothing very clear
nothing is ever clear

She's suddenly pissed
What the fuck?
is this it?
it is isn't it?
Seriously?
damn.

She lights up a smoke,
breaths in the poison
and trys to relax
She takes some old coffee from the machine and heats it in the microwave
There's a bag of chocolate riesens under a chair
she reaches for it and finds her favorite black stilettos she's been looking for
Son of a bitch

She goes back to the window
Wishes there was somthing more to look at
just these three street lights
At least they have each other
But what if they don't want each other?
She doesn't want anyone
yet the loneliness is lethal for her well being
who says she has to be well?
her thoughts are interrupted by the microwave ringing

Coffee's ready
no sugar
no cream
damn.

She takes a chocolate and lets it met in her mouth
mmmm
takes a drag on the menthol,
gets a little closer to where she wants to be
sips the coffee...
rough...
ugh...

Damn these street lights