Sunday, July 04, 2010

Well. I have to say, it certainly has been a very long time since I have published anything here. Funny it 5 am, July 4th, 2010. I look back at some of this and I think about how much I have changed. Just looking back at what I used to write 2 years ago and how I would judge my then self using my "now" eyes... Well, shit. Today I went to see Deadmau5 in Detroit. It was one of those nights that I really felt alive. Somehow though, in the midst of that euphoria, a feeling came over me. I dont know what to name it but it came. I was with a friend who knew the Shro that exists in these posts. I dont think she exists anymore. I know I have changed. I just can't decide if it really is for the better yet.

The funny thing is though, I became exactly who I wanted to be. In the past i know i just had some much to prove. Well, I proved it all. And in the end I realized that the only person I was proving anything to was myself.

I want to say that I like who I am. But it feels like somethings missing.

I suppose I could call it the restlessness of youth and move on, but alas, I am an overthinker. I stress myself out and I have to much to say.

I always have a lot to say. I think thats because i think about a lot. (haha, eureka)

It's one of those nights.

weed.

Cigarettes.

Alcohol.

up all night on aderall.

Theres a certain kind of beauty to awful things. To what you dont want to happen. When things dont go according to plan. I hate to say it but there is. Its a sobering thought when you realize you are bound to fall. Some falls will be harder than others, and when it rains, it sure does pour.

I think its safe to say that I've learned the most about myself through other people and my experience. Some of it was beautiful, much of it unsettling. All of it essential.

I have noticed in writing this I have a tone that speaks like it is the end. The end of what? Why am I reflecting this Sunday morning at (now) 5:30 am? For one, i turn 20 in two weeks from today. And won't that be the end of something? Wow. looking at that number on the screen I realize that I've only just begun and I still have so much left in front of me. I can't believe it. It feels like I've been through so much already. Some periods of time passed by more quickly and painlessly than others. Those are the more recent times.

I guess what I'm writing here is a reflection on growing up. It came really fast. The funny thing it though, I think I have always felt this way, and it is only as of recently that my lifestyle caught up with my outlook and ambition. Its been a long time coming. I remember how much I've stuck out to get to this point. It was worth the wait. I got there eventually. I was just always in a rush. I think I still am.

Whatever lies ahead, looking back on the past, I think I owe it to myself to promise that with these upcoming years, I will slow down and enjoy the blessings and beauty in each day. I have to relax and slow down and enjoy where I am and not worry so damn much about where I should be going.

Fucking A. I'll get there