Here's what I don't get. Friends and people. Today I had a little melt down at the gym that lead to the opening of the floodgates of a long awaited emotional meltdown. I went through my phone calling people looking for someone, anyone who would answer and talk to me and entertain my need of human contact and genuine care. The irony is that I my need was not finally my by a close girlfriend many of whom I had called up, but rather one of my exboyfrinds, one of two who I had called. It was Bishoy. Good Old light hearted make you smile make a joke at the worst possible moment Bishoy. In the past he has fucked me over, this is true, but today he was my relief. I think he kept me from going farther over the edge. Which is another thing. I have been reaching the edge a lot lately. I get so low sometimes that I can’t even bare the thought of living another day. All I wanna do is stay in my bed all day and never come out. I've been having a lot of those kinds of days lately and it has been rather unsettling. Even my best friend, Katie who I always felt I could tell everything too, I feel is slowly slipping away. I know this is bound to happen. We're going to college next year and things change. People change, and it's going to be hard. I guess I'm just not as ready for it as I thought it would be. Well I guess it still have some time to prep for I. I need to take these lows as like a foreshadowing of what's coming my way whether I like it or not. I mean I call her to talk and she does not pick up the phone. I realize that she has an extremely demanding schedule and does not have time to listen to me talk about pointless crap (Andy). Maybe I need to be a little more understanding and considerate. The world does not revolve around me. And maybe distance is good. Maybe I just need to learn to become more self reliant, and accept solitude more into my life. Maybe I should just learn to be content writing about something rather than just talking for hours on end about random shit. That's what summer is for. But now people have lives. I have a life, right? Don't know. I think that I am going to struggle with this for the rest of the year, pretty much up until the time we graduate and leave each other. It's going to be rough and I already know that there is going to be a lot more all time low days. A lot more difficult days. And all the while I am prisoner in my own mind. I tried that method that andy told me about; about charting out my thought process and then changing it to be more positive and less destructive. He says that he had has ultimate lows as well, maybe this will work just because he reccomended it to me. It's a crazy thing you know. On Monday night I feel asleep lisening to one of his favorite heavy metal bands and it brought great physical comfort as I dozed off, and mind you that i have not started listening to metal until recently. It's crazy. I'm crazy.I just dont want o get into this deeper than he has. I really think that that would suck. I don't doubt that he's interested I'm just scared that I'm falling harder than i should and that picking up the pieces of my shattered conciousness shall become an ardous task. Fuck.