why, god damn it?

the other day i was thinking, how can some one have good character and such bad judgement? why are we so defined by our actions. Does everthing we do really define who we really are? On the inside at least? how can we be something to someone and something completely different to somone else? Why? How can we see the light on both sides but be so indecisive about what we believe and what we really want? why are we so driven and affected by society's norm? Who is society anyway? How do we become a society with norms and crap? Why are we so different then how we used to be not so long ago? how can my face be so warm but my hands so cold?? why is it that i write my best with a cigarette in my mouth? Why are we so obbsessed with living to be old? why the hell would you want to be old. Why would you want be wrinkly and dependent on other people? Why would you want to retire to a retirment home. I don't thin i could handle watching my lookis deteriorate as the years go by. I hope to die when i am still content with myself. I actually had a dream about my death. We were in lock down at school cuz there was some killer i guess. HE came into the classroom and everyone got to escape except me. I yelling al-shahada(which is a good thing) and the next thing i know i'm being stabbed to death. yet some how my brian cut that out of my dream. But then i woke up, not for real, in the dream. I was in psychology and had just experienced a hallucination. NO one even noticed. My cell goes off and its my dad. "fill up on gas on your way home" "ok, put amr on the line" i tell my brother what happened and he is uninterested. then i wake up, in real life that is. it is believed that if you see yourself die in a dream it means that a new destiny has been written for you. That scares me. It could be a better one, but it could be a horrible one as well. The more i think about it the more I am scared shitless of what the future holds for me. I am scared to know what i will do and what i will be like. It scares me shitless. Maybe i should stop cursing. I'll give it a shot this weekend. I'll see if i can go the whole weekend without an f-word. Wish me luck and leave a comment!