Happy Eid Shereen....

Today is the first day of eid al fitr- yay! i only wish it felt like it. I was in school. I was in school on a day that is equivelent to christmas. Stupid chemistry and Math lessons that i coulndn't miss. ugh. It's week 8 of the marking period and i don't feel like getting less then my standard grades. O well, eid al adha is in like, 11 weeks i think, maybe less? more maybe? i don't crae what anyone says, i'm skipping school then. I just wish i could have been in syria or egypt or saudia this time or year when everyone is happy and celebrating. Like if I took last wednesday to this wednesday off and flew over there to celebrate, that would've been great. But it didn't happen. O well. I sent buddy a eid greeting, we aren't necessary on "ideal" terms. Not bad, but not good. Very strange ones if i may say. And all the distance does not make it any easier. Neither does Bishoy. O Bishoy. that's a whole other story. I just don't know i like him but at the same time, i'm like "ummm...." I just don't know. o by the way, he's my boyfriend. Ya, great i know i don't even know how i feel about my boyfriend, who by the way is more than i could ever ask for in a guy. He's great. I still don't understand how i got so lucky to have him. I just don't know. Part of me is like "enjoy it god damn it! your in your prime you're only young once!" and the other part is saying "what the fuck is wrong with you? how the hell have you let yourself become this way? you actually let yourself date? and you have such little shame?!" it just, I hate who i've let myself become. I do feel shame, just not enough to stop what i'm doing. It just, it makes me so happy. I love meaning so much to someone and having someone mean so much to me. It makes me feel so alive. It gives me a warm feeling inside my cold self. I just don't know what to make of all that is happening. I am in good terms with my mom, and my family, which is good. Yet i feel so guilty keeping secrets from them. I think this god's way of torturing me. Mental torture, one of the worst kinds. But i guess its a good sign, that i still do fear him and i still do have faith in my religon. I know what i am doing is wrong, i'm just not ready to stop. I wanna keep swimming in the chocolate...So bad, yet so good...

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