So, i find it so hard to believe that this is the first post of 2008. i just read the last post and remembered how restless and depressed i had been. thank god now i know that i'll be very happy at Michigan State University. Actually i'm really fucking pumped for msu. this is going to be kick ass! i'm just glad that i can finally move out of the house. The environment with my parents just keeps building in hostitlity. It's very hard for me. I try to detatch myself from it but i feel like i should do something to fix it. The thing is, its just not my problem to fix. Its beyond my reach and influence. I'm just waiting....1 month 29 days and i'm home free. I can finally focus on myself and what I need to do for my own life. I can finally take charge and make decisions that i can live with. I know i've learned from a lot of people's mistakes as what not to do in the future. I've been talking to my brother, and i think he just realized that he has a substance abuse problem. He said that he just went to AA, because he needs support and he needs to get it out of his system. I dont even know what to think, or do or say. Its just that i know he's always had a substance abuse problem, but i dont think he ever admitted it to himself. I guess its good that he acknowledges that he has a problem, but i wish i could be there for him to help him thru it. But i think that if i were there to offer help, i don't think he'd take it. I think it took him moving out to california and fucking up really bad and hitting roch bottom to realize just what he had to do to get his shit together. Anyway, at least i know what i need to do to get my shit together. I know what needs to be done. And I have to do it. I want to go and study, have fun and be a fucking success unlike everyone else in my family. It all just gets to be such a drag. I'll be glad to be leaving the house. I'll miss it all, but i think it'll be healthy. Staying here and trying to study and actually go anywhere would take me absolutely nowhere. I'm glad I won't be at OU. Ha ya, MSU baby :)

So shro is flippin a shit over college school, and other such shit. She hates the unknown of her life right now. She hates knowing what she wants and not knowing whether or not it is attainable. It's like fuck, you know? Just fuck. I just wish U of M would send me a rejection letter or a deferral letter just to put me out of my misery. I just...i know how bad I want it, i just am scared shitless i won't get it. And then what? I just despise not knowing. I mean, people have applied after I did and have gotten a response before I have and I absolutely hate this. It is times like these that I absolutely hate my life. my conciousness. my very existance. That and the bitch of a math test that I have tomorrow. Can someone just do me a favor and shoot me now?

Here's what I don't get. Friends and people. Today I had a little melt down at the gym that lead to the opening of the floodgates of a long awaited emotional meltdown. I went through my phone calling people looking for someone, anyone who would answer and talk to me and entertain my need of human contact and genuine care. The irony is that I my need was not finally my by a close girlfriend many of whom I had called up, but rather one of my exboyfrinds, one of two who I had called. It was Bishoy. Good Old light hearted make you smile make a joke at the worst possible moment Bishoy. In the past he has fucked me over, this is true, but today he was my relief. I think he kept me from going farther over the edge. Which is another thing. I have been reaching the edge a lot lately. I get so low sometimes that I can’t even bare the thought of living another day. All I wanna do is stay in my bed all day and never come out. I've been having a lot of those kinds of days lately and it has been rather unsettling. Even my best friend, Katie who I always felt I could tell everything too, I feel is slowly slipping away. I know this is bound to happen. We're going to college next year and things change. People change, and it's going to be hard. I guess I'm just not as ready for it as I thought it would be. Well I guess it still have some time to prep for I. I need to take these lows as like a foreshadowing of what's coming my way whether I like it or not. I mean I call her to talk and she does not pick up the phone. I realize that she has an extremely demanding schedule and does not have time to listen to me talk about pointless crap (Andy). Maybe I need to be a little more understanding and considerate. The world does not revolve around me. And maybe distance is good. Maybe I just need to learn to become more self reliant, and accept solitude more into my life. Maybe I should just learn to be content writing about something rather than just talking for hours on end about random shit. That's what summer is for. But now people have lives. I have a life, right? Don't know. I think that I am going to struggle with this for the rest of the year, pretty much up until the time we graduate and leave each other. It's going to be rough and I already know that there is going to be a lot more all time low days. A lot more difficult days. And all the while I am prisoner in my own mind. I tried that method that andy told me about; about charting out my thought process and then changing it to be more positive and less destructive. He says that he had has ultimate lows as well, maybe this will work just because he reccomended it to me. It's a crazy thing you know. On Monday night I feel asleep lisening to one of his favorite heavy metal bands and it brought great physical comfort as I dozed off, and mind you that i have not started listening to metal until recently. It's crazy. I'm crazy.I just dont want o get into this deeper than he has. I really think that that would suck. I don't doubt that he's interested I'm just scared that I'm falling harder than i should and that picking up the pieces of my shattered conciousness shall become an ardous task. Fuck.

Choking

you know what i hate, nothing, and that's just it i think i couldhate a lot, but i hate people who hate. I just feel like i don't have any reason good enough to reaaly and wholly hate someone or something. But if i could hate, here's who i'd hate: people. People who hate people just for the fuck of hating people. People who never did shit to them, yet they hate them anyway because they think that it makes themm cooler and more exclusive. And i think that's crap. It pisses me off. I also hate people who try to brag about themselves with stuff that isn't even true, so they can prove themselves worthy to others, yet fail and just manage to make total dipshits out of themselves. It makes me sick. And the worst part of it all right now is that i'm just .....i feel like i'm swimming in shit and there's no way to clean water. Food doesn't taste good, seeing people in school isn't fun, seeing people at work isn't fun, i don't see myself as pretty these days, and i don't care to make that little effort to make all the difference in my appearance, and i don't want to. There's no one i want to impress. I don't have a boyfriend and i'm not looking. Hell i don't even feel lonely, only anto-social. I' m not calling people that i probably should, i'm not contacting people that normally would. Quality school work is no longer produced, College appplication essays(well, just the U of M one) aren't getting done, and the deadline is fast approaching. Fuck, she didn't even give me my letter of reccomendation. See what I mean, I just feel like I'm choking on the life i always iked to live. but now i'm wondering, did i genuinely like it?

I have recently developed a new theory about math. It is satan. It was developed in ancient times as a means of killing time when they had nothing better to do. But today, in modern society, it is used merey as a detterrant by the government. They put realdiculously hard math concepts in the public school curriculum to keep kids bust for 2-3 hours a night doing meaningless homework so they won't watch the news, or follow and actively participate in government and public affairs. The get americans into this habbit at a young age, so that they will carry on this uninformed and clueless xistance for the rest of their lives. This way, with the real subjects of democracy distracted the authority is free to do whatever they want and scandize and kneive, and secretly spy on the citizens controlling every aspect of their world. O the fuckers!

"i got her pregant."



"you got her pregnant?"



"ya, and now i don't kow what to think, i don't know what happened, i just... i just don't know if its alright. I mean.... i wanna marry her you know. I've been in love with her forever and all i ever wanted was a family of my own, you know?"



"but your 18"



"but i love her, i have a job and i can support her and the kid and love her. I mean i know i'm not exactly rolling in riches here, but i think i can offer her something that no amount of money could ever buy you know? I mean it's me and Frankee here.....I just hope like hell nothing happened to the kid."



"ya, carlo, about that, her injury was a little more serious than that. She got hit by a car."



"She got WHAT?"



"she was crossing the street and it was icy and an SUV was speeding and it couldn't stop in time and it hit her..."



"WHAT THE FUCK? why didn't you tell me that in the first place? why the fuck did you lie to me an tell me it was an allergic reaction?"



"cuz, i didn't want this to happen in public"



"damn you Giovanni! what the hell, is she alright? SHit SHit Shit Shit.....



"Carlo relax it'll be alright.."



"Shit HSit SHit....."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



"Francesca?"



"hmmm...?"



"My name is Dr. Anderson, you've had an accident, your at the hospital now and your alright."



"what happened?"



"you got hit by a car, and you were left unconcious..... you broke a few ribs and bruised your torso...."



"ya i can feel that...."



"now Francesca...."



"Frankee....please....."



"frankee, i was looking at your blood tests that i just got back from the lab, now did you know that you were pregnant?"



"yeah....what do you mean were...."



silence.

So here's what I'm thinking...how did i become the way i am,? How do i manage to block what bothers me, or even, manage to not alow it to bother me. My brother got kicked out yesterday, which sucks because i was just starting to enjoy having him around. How is it that at one point i can care less to care about religon, yet the next i'm bawling my eues out scared shitless of the hell fire, and the next month go back to being even worse than i was? i don't know. I know that i jump at any and every opportubity i have to go crazy, just because the opportunities come so rarely. I'm desperate to break free and fight the power, and even though it is something i am capable of doing, i won't do it because if being damned to hell for displeasing my parents. I mean can i disreguard everything else but this one thing? I just don't know. Also, this is the last year of high school, and from this june on, its going to be the real world. I need a change. I have begun to conclude this stage of my life, and i guess i just wanna make it good. school bites and I should be studying for a test correction quiz tomorrow, but i just don't care enought. Its unlike me, especially right off the bat in the beginning. But in exactly one year, will it matter that i bombed a PDM test? I don't know. alowly, i am getting less and less sleep, but i feel less tired than i would otherwise. I dont know if i have point to this rant but i don't know. Katie was saying how she'd like to step up her game, and i am just so jealous of how fequent the opportunities come her way to do so. I 'd kill for what half of what she can do. And the irony is, ive probably donr more than she has.....But what's the point in comparing???
The point is that I'm pissing away my time that i could be resting ir studying by blogging and watching sex and the city on alluc.org, which by the way is rather amazing if i dont say so myself...anyway, i dont want to fail math this year. Damnit, i think the internet is the devil in a technological form........

So today is the last day of June. July begins tomorrow and in exactly 18 days, I will be 17 years old. This morning(noon rather):

woke up at 11:44

had falafel for breakfast


It thought it would just be like any other ordinary quiet uneventful summer day. But, as everyone knows, that is never the case.
I wanted to get on the onternet to see what grade i got for the Sociology class i had just completed when my brother pulled the connection from my computer to his laptop. I became discouraged and then dedided to go to the gym (it had been a while). So I go, do my workout get some reading done as well. I'm pulling out of the gym and I as I'm crossing to the other side, Smack. There goes my car that I just got from the shop on thursday! Godammit. So this was my first accident. my fault. my first ticket, my first anything to do with the law. But what i'm pissed about is my car. Totally jacked up because of my carelessness. Did I mention I just picked it up from the shop on thursday? It gets toed to yard until its deliverance to a body shop on monday. My dad picked me up. I don't cry in front of him. I get home and it's shereen in mommy's arms. crying. I was upset. Luckily the woman i hit was very nice. She stayed extremely calm the entire time, and was sad to see how upset I was and such. Anyway, it was already written. The eye of envy is evil and karma's a bitch. Go figure.
Next there is the guy accross the street. I think I came about one more touch from having sex today.... for the first time, and I dont think it would have been my choice. Thank god he had the will power to walk away when he did. After all, he is a 26-year-old teacher. I think it would have sucked if something went down. It would've sucked for me too. But i guess I'm glad nothing happened, but at the same time, I haven't even had a real kiss since October. And I guess that's all I really wanted. Just an amazing kiss.
It's funny, ya know? how you can make a guy go stiff by putting yourself just and inch out there. haha, in return you get a nice 9-10. haha, that's enough.
I don't know what to make of this day I'm not sure what to feel. Sad? rejected?(prob not) happy? deviant? ashamed? relieved? I just dont know.
I just wanted to touch him. Just have him hold me close. But i know he would have wanted sex and that would have been bad. We came so close but.... whatever. I respect and am tankful for what he did. It better for both of us. He called me a few minutes ago, and I unfortunatly told him, that this would not be able to go on. It's hard, but I think one of us to think with the head that's on our shoulders, not the one between our legs.
And the hardest part, he's just sitting there outside, accross the street so close, yet untouchable.








Ladies and Gentlemen, this is the story of my life.