Well. I have to say, it certainly has been a very long time since I have published anything here. Funny it 5 am, July 4th, 2010. I look back at some of this and I think about how much I have changed. Just looking back at what I used to write 2 years ago and how I would judge my then self using my "now" eyes... Well, shit. Today I went to see Deadmau5 in Detroit. It was one of those nights that I really felt alive. Somehow though, in the midst of that euphoria, a feeling came over me. I dont know what to name it but it came. I was with a friend who knew the Shro that exists in these posts. I dont think she exists anymore. I know I have changed. I just can't decide if it really is for the better yet.

The funny thing is though, I became exactly who I wanted to be. In the past i know i just had some much to prove. Well, I proved it all. And in the end I realized that the only person I was proving anything to was myself.

I want to say that I like who I am. But it feels like somethings missing.

I suppose I could call it the restlessness of youth and move on, but alas, I am an overthinker. I stress myself out and I have to much to say.

I always have a lot to say. I think thats because i think about a lot. (haha, eureka)

It's one of those nights.

weed.

Cigarettes.

Alcohol.

up all night on aderall.

Theres a certain kind of beauty to awful things. To what you dont want to happen. When things dont go according to plan. I hate to say it but there is. Its a sobering thought when you realize you are bound to fall. Some falls will be harder than others, and when it rains, it sure does pour.

I think its safe to say that I've learned the most about myself through other people and my experience. Some of it was beautiful, much of it unsettling. All of it essential.

I have noticed in writing this I have a tone that speaks like it is the end. The end of what? Why am I reflecting this Sunday morning at (now) 5:30 am? For one, i turn 20 in two weeks from today. And won't that be the end of something? Wow. looking at that number on the screen I realize that I've only just begun and I still have so much left in front of me. I can't believe it. It feels like I've been through so much already. Some periods of time passed by more quickly and painlessly than others. Those are the more recent times.

I guess what I'm writing here is a reflection on growing up. It came really fast. The funny thing it though, I think I have always felt this way, and it is only as of recently that my lifestyle caught up with my outlook and ambition. Its been a long time coming. I remember how much I've stuck out to get to this point. It was worth the wait. I got there eventually. I was just always in a rush. I think I still am.

Whatever lies ahead, looking back on the past, I think I owe it to myself to promise that with these upcoming years, I will slow down and enjoy the blessings and beauty in each day. I have to relax and slow down and enjoy where I am and not worry so damn much about where I should be going.

Fucking A. I'll get there

so here we are a few days before thanksgiving. My first Semester at Michigan State has been amazing for me. So much has happened

my thoughts are like just one very big swirl. I dnt know what i want. i mean i think i do, i get it and then i don;t want it anymore.its obnoxious as fuck.

i don't know what i want right now. I hate that i am going to hurt someone. Well, not hurt them but reject them, even after i had clearly cooperated in l

So here I am, at the end of the end. Of this chapter that is. I'm about to move away and start something completely new. I'm looking at all the people who make up the life and community my mom so desperately wanted me to be a part of, and i'm so glad that i'm not. I don't kno what it was. I don;t know if i wasn't skinny enough, pretty enough or my mom wasn't cool enough? I was just never tight with those people, and i am so glad that they are not who i have to be so heavily affiliated with. I like that i got lucky enough to be able to choose my own way. I'm so thankful that nothignwas forced upon me. I'm glad that i got to make my own decision, and i'm glad that i will be able to continue to make those decisions. I still don't know exactly what it is that makes me so different than everyone else. I like who i am, and i like what i have done so far.

The first serious one time fuck thing....

So this was new experience for me. I can't say that i liked it. Well i dunno. I think whenever its just once, and a quickie at that, it's going to be bad. It gets better the more experience you have with one person, i find. That's how you get to have great sex. Well this time it was with an older italian bartender kind of guy. He was sexy, but in the trashy kind of way. I just don't know wat to make of what i'm doing exactly right now. I mean, this is the 3rd guy i cheat on my boyfrind with. I've only been dating my boyfriend for 2 months. I guess that says a lot about the kind of girldfriend i am. But the thing with my current boyfrined is that he really sucks at being one. He just dosen;t have a clue. He has done a very bad job of meeting any needs that i would require out of "a relationship." At least now i know the type that i won't date. I now also now know the type to sleep with, the type not to sleep with and the type to pick up for a fun night out in dearborn. Lol, i dunno. I think i'm too young to take myself and "relationships" seriously. However, i don't think i want to make this a habbit. I don't think i want to be one of those cheap slutty girls who will suck any cock just for the fuck of sucking a cock. I feel like that's what i just did this past weekend. Well, no. I lead him on and shouldn't have. And since I did, he was going to be relentless until he got what he thought was coming, U think i did it just to get it over and done with just so it wouldn't be hanging over my head for the next month before i move away. I don't know what i