SHRO

2010-07-04T05:19:00.002-04:00

Well. I have to say, it certainly has been a very long time since I have published anything here. Funny it 5 am, July 4th, 2010. I look back at some of this and I think about how much I have changed. Just looking back at what I used to write 2 years ago and how I would judge my then self using my "now" eyes... Well, shit. Today I went to see Deadmau5 in Detroit. It was one of those nights that I really felt alive. Somehow though, in the midst of that euphoria, a feeling came over me. I dont know what to name it but it came. I was with a friend who knew the Shro that exists in these posts. I dont think she exists anymore. I know I have changed. I just can't decide if it really is for the better yet.

The funny thing is though, I became exactly who I wanted to be. In the past i know i just had some much to prove. Well, I proved it all. And in the end I realized that the only person I was proving anything to was myself.

I want to say that I like who I am. But it feels like somethings missing.

I suppose I could call it the restlessness of youth and move on, but alas, I am an overthinker. I stress myself out and I have to much to say.

I always have a lot to say. I think thats because i think about a lot. (haha, eureka)

It's one of those nights.

weed.

Cigarettes.

Alcohol.

up all night on aderall.

Theres a certain kind of beauty to awful things. To what you dont want to happen. When things dont go according to plan. I hate to say it but there is. Its a sobering thought when you realize you are bound to fall. Some falls will be harder than others, and when it rains, it sure does pour.

I think its safe to say that I've learned the most about myself through other people and my experience. Some of it was beautiful, much of it unsettling. All of it essential.

I have noticed in writing this I have a tone that speaks like it is the end. The end of what? Why am I reflecting this Sunday morning at (now) 5:30 am? For one, i turn 20 in two weeks from today. And won't that be the end of something? Wow. looking at that number on the screen I realize that I've only just begun and I still have so much left in front of me. I can't believe it. It feels like I've been through so much already. Some periods of time passed by more quickly and painlessly than others. Those are the more recent times.

I guess what I'm writing here is a reflection on growing up. It came really fast. The funny thing it though, I think I have always felt this way, and it is only as of recently that my lifestyle caught up with my outlook and ambition. Its been a long time coming. I remember how much I've stuck out to get to this point. It was worth the wait. I got there eventually. I was just always in a rush. I think I still am.

Whatever lies ahead, looking back on the past, I think I owe it to myself to promise that with these upcoming years, I will slow down and enjoy the blessings and beauty in each day. I have to relax and slow down and enjoy where I am and not worry so damn much about where I should be going.

Fucking A. I'll get there

2009-03-15T00:13:00.000-04:00

2008-11-24T16:00:00.001-05:00

so here we are a few days before thanksgiving. My first Semester at Michigan State has been amazing for me. So much has happened

2008-08-29T01:04:00.000-04:00

my thoughts are like just one very big swirl. I dnt know what i want. i mean i think i do, i get it and then i don;t want it anymore.its obnoxious as fuck.

2008-08-29T00:48:00.000-04:00

i don't know what i want right now. I hate that i am going to hurt someone. Well, not hurt them but reject them, even after i had clearly cooperated in l

2008-08-13T01:07:00.002-04:00

So here I am, at the end of the end. Of this chapter that is. I'm about to move away and start something completely new. I'm looking at all the people who make up the life and community my mom so desperately wanted me to be a part of, and i'm so glad that i'm not. I don't kno what it was. I don;t know if i wasn't skinny enough, pretty enough or my mom wasn't cool enough? I was just never tight with those people, and i am so glad that they are not who i have to be so heavily affiliated with. I like that i got lucky enough to be able to choose my own way. I'm so thankful that nothignwas forced upon me. I'm glad that i got to make my own decision, and i'm glad that i will be able to continue to make those decisions. I still don't know exactly what it is that makes me so different than everyone else. I like who i am, and i like what i have done so far.

The first serious one time fuck thing....

2008-07-21T23:43:00.001-04:00

So this was new experience for me. I can't say that i liked it. Well i dunno. I think whenever its just once, and a quickie at that, it's going to be bad. It gets better the more experience you have with one person, i find. That's how you get to have great sex. Well this time it was with an older italian bartender kind of guy. He was sexy, but in the trashy kind of way. I just don't know wat to make of what i'm doing exactly right now. I mean, this is the 3rd guy i cheat on my boyfrind with. I've only been dating my boyfriend for 2 months. I guess that says a lot about the kind of girldfriend i am. But the thing with my current boyfrined is that he really sucks at being one. He just dosen;t have a clue. He has done a very bad job of meeting any needs that i would require out of "a relationship." At least now i know the type that i won't date. I now also now know the type to sleep with, the type not to sleep with and the type to pick up for a fun night out in dearborn. Lol, i dunno. I think i'm too young to take myself and "relationships" seriously. However, i don't think i want to make this a habbit. I don't think i want to be one of those cheap slutty girls who will suck any cock just for the fuck of sucking a cock. I feel like that's what i just did this past weekend. Well, no. I lead him on and shouldn't have. And since I did, he was going to be relentless until he got what he thought was coming, U think i did it just to get it over and done with just so it wouldn't be hanging over my head for the next month before i move away. I don't know what i

2008-06-22T22:55:00.002-04:00

So, i find it so hard to believe that this is the first post of 2008. i just read the last post and remembered how restless and depressed i had been. thank god now i know that i'll be very happy at Michigan State University. Actually i'm really fucking pumped for msu. this is going to be kick ass! i'm just glad that i can finally move out of the house. The environment with my parents just keeps building in hostitlity. It's very hard for me. I try to detatch myself from it but i feel like i should do something to fix it. The thing is, its just not my problem to fix. Its beyond my reach and influence. I'm just waiting....1 month 29 days and i'm home free. I can finally focus on myself and what I need to do for my own life. I can finally take charge and make decisions that i can live with. I know i've learned from a lot of people's mistakes as what not to do in the future. I've been talking to my brother, and i think he just realized that he has a substance abuse problem. He said that he just went to AA, because he needs support and he needs to get it out of his system. I dont even know what to think, or do or say. Its just that i know he's always had a substance abuse problem, but i dont think he ever admitted it to himself. I guess its good that he acknowledges that he has a problem, but i wish i could be there for him to help him thru it. But i think that if i were there to offer help, i don't think he'd take it. I think it took him moving out to california and fucking up really bad and hitting roch bottom to realize just what he had to do to get his shit together. Anyway, at least i know what i need to do to get my shit together. I know what needs to be done. And I have to do it. I want to go and study, have fun and be a fucking success unlike everyone else in my family. It all just gets to be such a drag. I'll be glad to be leaving the house. I'll miss it all, but i think it'll be healthy. Staying here and trying to study and actually go anywhere would take me absolutely nowhere. I'm glad I won't be at OU. Ha ya, MSU baby :)

2008-01-13T01:47:00.000-05:00

garbage.

there's a lot of it.

I mean its crazy thing

2007-12-09T19:00:00.001-05:00

So shro is flippin a shit over college school, and other such shit. She hates the unknown of her life right now. She hates knowing what she wants and not knowing whether or not it is attainable. It's like fuck, you know? Just fuck. I just wish U of M would send me a rejection letter or a deferral letter just to put me out of my misery. I just...i know how bad I want it, i just am scared shitless i won't get it. And then what? I just despise not knowing. I mean, people have applied after I did and have gotten a response before I have and I absolutely hate this. It is times like these that I absolutely hate my life. my conciousness. my very existance. That and the bitch of a math test that I have tomorrow. Can someone just do me a favor and shoot me now?

2007-11-14T21:32:00.000-05:00

Here's what I don't get. Friends and people. Today I had a little melt down at the gym that lead to the opening of the floodgates of a long awaited emotional meltdown. I went through my phone calling people looking for someone, anyone who would answer and talk to me and entertain my need of human contact and genuine care. The irony is that I my need was not finally my by a close girlfriend many of whom I had called up, but rather one of my exboyfrinds, one of two who I had called. It was Bishoy. Good Old light hearted make you smile make a joke at the worst possible moment Bishoy. In the past he has fucked me over, this is true, but today he was my relief. I think he kept me from going farther over the edge. Which is another thing. I have been reaching the edge a lot lately. I get so low sometimes that I can’t even bare the thought of living another day. All I wanna do is stay in my bed all day and never come out. I've been having a lot of those kinds of days lately and it has been rather unsettling. Even my best friend, Katie who I always felt I could tell everything too, I feel is slowly slipping away. I know this is bound to happen. We're going to college next year and things change. People change, and it's going to be hard. I guess I'm just not as ready for it as I thought it would be. Well I guess it still have some time to prep for I. I need to take these lows as like a foreshadowing of what's coming my way whether I like it or not. I mean I call her to talk and she does not pick up the phone. I realize that she has an extremely demanding schedule and does not have time to listen to me talk about pointless crap (Andy). Maybe I need to be a little more understanding and considerate. The world does not revolve around me. And maybe distance is good. Maybe I just need to learn to become more self reliant, and accept solitude more into my life. Maybe I should just learn to be content writing about something rather than just talking for hours on end about random shit. That's what summer is for. But now people have lives. I have a life, right? Don't know. I think that I am going to struggle with this for the rest of the year, pretty much up until the time we graduate and leave each other. It's going to be rough and I already know that there is going to be a lot more all time low days. A lot more difficult days. And all the while I am prisoner in my own mind. I tried that method that andy told me about; about charting out my thought process and then changing it to be more positive and less destructive. He says that he had has ultimate lows as well, maybe this will work just because he reccomended it to me. It's a crazy thing you know. On Monday night I feel asleep lisening to one of his favorite heavy metal bands and it brought great physical comfort as I dozed off, and mind you that i have not started listening to metal until recently. It's crazy. I'm crazy.I just dont want o get into this deeper than he has. I really think that that would suck. I don't doubt that he's interested I'm just scared that I'm falling harder than i should and that picking up the pieces of my shattered conciousness shall become an ardous task. Fuck.

Choking

2007-10-05T23:57:00.000-04:00

you know what i hate, nothing, and that's just it i think i couldhate a lot, but i hate people who hate. I just feel like i don't have any reason good enough to reaaly and wholly hate someone or something. But if i could hate, here's who i'd hate: people. People who hate people just for the fuck of hating people. People who never did shit to them, yet they hate them anyway because they think that it makes themm cooler and more exclusive. And i think that's crap. It pisses me off. I also hate people who try to brag about themselves with stuff that isn't even true, so they can prove themselves worthy to others, yet fail and just manage to make total dipshits out of themselves. It makes me sick. And the worst part of it all right now is that i'm just .....i feel like i'm swimming in shit and there's no way to clean water. Food doesn't taste good, seeing people in school isn't fun, seeing people at work isn't fun, i don't see myself as pretty these days, and i don't care to make that little effort to make all the difference in my appearance, and i don't want to. There's no one i want to impress. I don't have a boyfriend and i'm not looking. Hell i don't even feel lonely, only anto-social. I' m not calling people that i probably should, i'm not contacting people that normally would. Quality school work is no longer produced, College appplication essays(well, just the U of M one) aren't getting done, and the deadline is fast approaching. Fuck, she didn't even give me my letter of reccomendation. See what I mean, I just feel like I'm choking on the life i always iked to live. but now i'm wondering, did i genuinely like it?

I have recently developed a new theory about math. It is satan. It was developed in ancient times as a means of killing time when they had nothing better to do. But today, in modern society, it is used merey as a detterrant by the government. They put realdiculously hard math concepts in the public school curriculum to keep kids bust for 2-3 hours a night doing meaningless homework so they won't watch the news, or follow and actively participate in government and public affairs. The get americans into this habbit at a young age, so that they will carry on this uninformed and clueless xistance for the rest of their lives. This way, with the real subjects of democracy distracted the authority is free to do whatever they want and scandize and kneive, and secretly spy on the citizens controlling every aspect of their world. O the fuckers!

2007-10-04T21:55:00.000-04:00

"i got her pregant."

"you got her pregnant?"

"ya, and now i don't kow what to think, i don't know what happened, i just... i just don't know if its alright. I mean.... i wanna marry her you know. I've been in love with her forever and all i ever wanted was a family of my own, you know?"

"but your 18"

"but i love her, i have a job and i can support her and the kid and love her. I mean i know i'm not exactly rolling in riches here, but i think i can offer her something that no amount of money could ever buy you know? I mean it's me and Frankee here.....I just hope like hell nothing happened to the kid."

"ya, carlo, about that, her injury was a little more serious than that. She got hit by a car."

"She got WHAT?"

"she was crossing the street and it was icy and an SUV was speeding and it couldn't stop in time and it hit her..."

"WHAT THE FUCK? why didn't you tell me that in the first place? why the fuck did you lie to me an tell me it was an allergic reaction?"

"cuz, i didn't want this to happen in public"

"damn you Giovanni! what the hell, is she alright? SHit SHit Shit Shit.....

"Carlo relax it'll be alright.."

"Shit HSit SHit....."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Francesca?"

"hmmm...?"

"My name is Dr. Anderson, you've had an accident, your at the hospital now and your alright."

"what happened?"

"you got hit by a car, and you were left unconcious..... you broke a few ribs and bruised your torso...."

"ya i can feel that...."

"now Francesca...."

"Frankee....please....."

"frankee, i was looking at your blood tests that i just got back from the lab, now did you know that you were pregnant?"

"yeah....what do you mean were...."

silence.

2007-09-24T22:33:00.000-04:00

So here's what I'm thinking...how did i become the way i am,? How do i manage to block what bothers me, or even, manage to not alow it to bother me. My brother got kicked out yesterday, which sucks because i was just starting to enjoy having him around. How is it that at one point i can care less to care about religon, yet the next i'm bawling my eues out scared shitless of the hell fire, and the next month go back to being even worse than i was? i don't know. I know that i jump at any and every opportubity i have to go crazy, just because the opportunities come so rarely. I'm desperate to break free and fight the power, and even though it is something i am capable of doing, i won't do it because if being damned to hell for displeasing my parents. I mean can i disreguard everything else but this one thing? I just don't know. Also, this is the last year of high school, and from this june on, its going to be the real world. I need a change. I have begun to conclude this stage of my life, and i guess i just wanna make it good. school bites and I should be studying for a test correction quiz tomorrow, but i just don't care enought. Its unlike me, especially right off the bat in the beginning. But in exactly one year, will it matter that i bombed a PDM test? I don't know. alowly, i am getting less and less sleep, but i feel less tired than i would otherwise. I dont know if i have point to this rant but i don't know. Katie was saying how she'd like to step up her game, and i am just so jealous of how fequent the opportunities come her way to do so. I 'd kill for what half of what she can do. And the irony is, ive probably donr more than she has.....But what's the point in comparing???
The point is that I'm pissing away my time that i could be resting ir studying by blogging and watching sex and the city on alluc.org, which by the way is rather amazing if i dont say so myself...anyway, i dont want to fail math this year. Damnit, i think the internet is the devil in a technological form........

2007-06-30T19:41:00.000-04:00

So today is the last day of June. July begins tomorrow and in exactly 18 days, I will be 17 years old. This morning(noon rather):

woke up at 11:44

had falafel for breakfast

It thought it would just be like any other ordinary quiet uneventful summer day. But, as everyone knows, that is never the case.
I wanted to get on the onternet to see what grade i got for the Sociology class i had just completed when my brother pulled the connection from my computer to his laptop. I became discouraged and then dedided to go to the gym (it had been a while). So I go, do my workout get some reading done as well. I'm pulling out of the gym and I as I'm crossing to the other side, Smack. There goes my car that I just got from the shop on thursday! Godammit. So this was my first accident. my fault. my first ticket, my first anything to do with the law. But what i'm pissed about is my car. Totally jacked up because of my carelessness. Did I mention I just picked it up from the shop on thursday? It gets toed to yard until its deliverance to a body shop on monday. My dad picked me up. I don't cry in front of him. I get home and it's shereen in mommy's arms. crying. I was upset. Luckily the woman i hit was very nice. She stayed extremely calm the entire time, and was sad to see how upset I was and such. Anyway, it was already written. The eye of envy is evil and karma's a bitch. Go figure.
Next there is the guy accross the street. I think I came about one more touch from having sex today.... for the first time, and I dont think it would have been my choice. Thank god he had the will power to walk away when he did. After all, he is a 26-year-old teacher. I think it would have sucked if something went down. It would've sucked for me too. But i guess I'm glad nothing happened, but at the same time, I haven't even had a real kiss since October. And I guess that's all I really wanted. Just an amazing kiss.
It's funny, ya know? how you can make a guy go stiff by putting yourself just and inch out there. haha, in return you get a nice 9-10. haha, that's enough.
I don't know what to make of this day I'm not sure what to feel. Sad? rejected?(prob not) happy? deviant? ashamed? relieved? I just dont know.
I just wanted to touch him. Just have him hold me close. But i know he would have wanted sex and that would have been bad. We came so close but.... whatever. I respect and am tankful for what he did. It better for both of us. He called me a few minutes ago, and I unfortunatly told him, that this would not be able to go on. It's hard, but I think one of us to think with the head that's on our shoulders, not the one between our legs.
And the hardest part, he's just sitting there outside, accross the street so close, yet untouchable.

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is the story of my life.

The way I see it...

2007-05-21T17:41:00.000-04:00

capitalism. This is quite a phenomenon no? enitre societies are driven by everyone competeing with everyone else in order to become the best. One would say, it inspires innovation, and it is the sole purpose that Human beings have become what they are today. Compared to a century ago, we have come a long way technologically, socially, what have you. In school we are taught that this is the way to be. This is what makes America the best and richest nation in the world. It took me a while to realize that this satatement is merely subjective. As I would think about it more and more, i discovered the flaws to the system. I began to ask myself, "Is what we are recieveing worth what we are compromising?"
What are we recieving? A good life, luxuries the world has to offer, a high standard of living....I would say all these things. But I have to ask the question, who set that standard? I mean look at it this way, From grade school we are taught to strive to achieve academic excellence in order to have good study habits which will be key into getting into a good university which will lead to landing a high paying job so that we are capable of affording all the nice "things" life has to offer. This is where the fatal error in judgement lies(in my opinion). All our lives, we work day in and day out at a job that we may or may not like, that is totally stressful, or even worse, boring. We typically work 9-5 (with no reguard to overtime), commute bach home in rush hour traffic to spend only one hour with family eating dinner, if that, and watch Television in the evening. We wake up and do it all over again. We work the whole year for those two weeks of vacation time, that slip through our fingers like sand. We do this so we can afford to go on those nice vacations or splurge on our credit cards at the mall on the weekends. It's a vicious cycle. The companies plant the idea in the consumers head that their life is incomplete until they are able to possess this "thing" that everyone else wants. So the consumer works and works towards this "thing" that is gurateed to bring them happiness....for about a day...until they see the next object of desire. People spend their entire lives people working for "things" and fail to enjoy the simple things. The things ironically, they go on vacation to enjoy, the sunset, the weather, sweet fruit for breakfast in the morning sun... I mean here's the thing my cousin lives in an extremely modest house. He dosen't have much, yet i envy him, because he has so much. He is content. Behind his house he has a garden. Half that garden is an unused basketball court. Out there, he has a few rocking chairs and a couch. You could spend hours out the just rocking away, either by yourself, or with good company. Fall asleep under the stars in that priceless california night.
My point is, that I don't think human beings were meant to sit dumbfoundedly for eight hours a day in front of a computer screen doing some b.s. work for some corporation that is out to make money off the average joe such as the one who works that very corporation. I mean, the lifestyle in and of itself just isn't healthy. All day you are sitting under flourescent light with no natural sunlight, You get minimal phiysical activity, which has lead to 2/3 of the population being overweight or obese. The work day just simply does not allow for adequate physical activity. People should not be so unhealthy in their so called "natural environments."
Even when it comes to schooling, people take out a loan on a house that won't truly be thiers for another thirty years, just to live in the affluent suburb with the award winning school system so thier kids will be endowed with the means to compete in the "real world" thus fueling the vicious cycle. Also, gas prices, the perfect all-american example of how big business is out to screw the ordinary citizen. Is it not a little ironic that just before peak driving season that the three major oil producers close down their refineries for maintenance? Also even more ironic, we have come so far in technology when it comes to refining oil, yet we have not built one oil refinery in this country in thirty years. For too long, the bulk of the population has recieved the short end of the stick. But the worst is still to come, it is a well known fact that whatever goes up, must come down. In the past century, the Graph of the American economy has been climbimg forming the "j" part of the j-curve. For the past 15 or so years it has leveled off, and now, we have began to plummett. China is getting ahead of us, and the United States will not be the worlds' super power much longer. I'm from Detroit, and the economic situation is in the sewers. There are no jobs and everyday the headlines talk about which jobs are being outsourced or howmany thousands of people are being layed off. The pain is being experienced all over.
I think people who have mastered how to enjoy the simple pleasures of life, are truly wise. They live simply, enjoying things that don't have planned obsolenence in their breakdown. I mean would it be so bad, just sitting down for a day doing nothing for hours but thinking about the world in which you live. Evaluating where you are and where your going, Sitting down and really having a good conversation with someone without a television or radio blarring in the back ground. Staying up all night doing yoga just to conclude by watching the sun-rise? Would it be so bad not having everything they advertise on tv?
I mean, what the point of life? Are living to work, or working to live??

2007-04-12T12:17:00.000-04:00

So I finally got onto a computer that would let me sign on to this new blogger. So it's been like what? 4 months since i've published? anywho, what gives? I'm on spring break and there's only about 43 more days of school left(YAY). I'm looking forward to the summer. I plan on taking a college class in economics, we'll see how that goes. But lately i have been overjoyed with the amount of freetime i have on spring break. I didn't go anywhere because i'm going to Damascus for a good month in August, and i may miss the first day of my senior year(another yay). Iwas about to not go, but then i just remembered my uncle and kicked myself for ever even considering not going. So ya. BUt back to spring break. I have been enjoying every secnd of staying home, reading, watching SVU gallore, and strangers on youtube. I got to see my brother and talk to him, which is always a good thing. I also got some work, for school, work, and other. I guess i'm being semi-productive. But I really needed the down-time. I'm applying to be on my city's youth branch of city council. I'm thinking i have a good chance. I just need to get one more letter of recomendation, and my application should complete. I'm also waiting for my ACT score to come in the mail. I want to know. I already know where i'm applying. I know this much. I gotta get out of here. I can't stay here for college. At least not for the first year or two. I am in desperate need of a change. So my first choce is the AUC. That's right, American University of Cairo, in Egypt. I may do prep for a journalism degree, or something. I'm not sure but for my last two years, i may transfer into U of M ann arbor just so i can get my degree from there. But right afterwards, I'd go staight back to the Middle East. I know this is rediculous , setting a template of my what my life shall be. BUt as of right now, this is what I'm thinking. I'm perfectly aware that plans change and people change. But all i know, is that change is one thing i am extremely fond of at this point.
I mean, I have lived in this place my whole damn life, I've known the people and places and ways for just way too long. I need a change of scenery. I need someplace where I can grow and learn more about myself and the world. I need a new prespective with all new people. The down side is, is that i'm still going to be here for another good year, that is, before i graduate High School. I guess, I'll just enjoy it for what its worth, but all the while anticipate what lies ahead. It's exiting, the course of my whole life lies in my own two hands(to a certain extent, I know it's all written). I think i may end up being dirt poor for the beginning, but i know it'll be so worth it. Life experiences. That's what I'm out for. That, and good times.
I'll keep ya posted.

2007-04-11T13:53:00.001-04:00

all you need is love love love, love is all you need....

2007-01-12T15:55:00.000-05:00

how can just one little comment ruin someone's entire day? It's like someone just pissed in your eye and the stinging just won't go away.

Why are people not nice? why are they just simply not friendly? Everyone. No one invites an opportunity to have a new friend. Why? goddammit.

why do i want to cry when there is nothing to cry about?

why can't i get over my pathetic fucking self?

"it's just lately I've been feeling, like i don't belong, like the grounds' not mine, to walk upon." Bright Eyes said it so well.

I guess i'm not the only one.

yet i feel so alone.

I'm so lonely.

I'm so lonely.

This is one of the worst feelings in the world, and it sucks because I know it all to well.

Not even strangers care to comment on my blog.

please, if your reading this, say something, anything.

help me.

say something.

save me from myself.

Yesterday, Today, andTomorrow

2007-01-02T15:49:00.000-05:00

so winter break is coming to an end. School tomorrow. It the new year, i think that's nuts. 2006 has been good for me i think. Its had its ups and downs, but it was pretty much up hill, and i'm glad. I got some life experiences and I've grown. I experience love, war, responsability, disappointment in myself, work, real fear and real sadness. I've learned more about the person I am and am still in the process of figuring out who i want to be. I've learned who real friends are, and that Family is forever. I've learned to resent people who've hurt me and forgive them. I have had moments where i've thought "better her and not me" I am thankful for the path that was written for me, and i anticipate what lies ahead. I have no real resolutions, except to to do well in school, ACT's, yadda yadda, yadda...
So although i don't look forward to school tomorrow, I await what tomorrow shall bring.

2006-12-31T18:45:00.000-05:00

happy Eid-al-adha
happy new year
saddam was executed yesterday morning in Iraq
I got hired as a permenant employee at Yankee
no resolutions
i don't think

2006-12-12T16:52:00.000-05:00

i just feel so shaky and edgy. Happy, but nervous. sweet, but solemn. somewhat sad with a chill of meloncholy running through me. i want to cry, no reason. just tears when your filled with emotion. Emotion i can't explain. Emotion that i need to put towards someone or something. There's a void. A void so big. Will it ever be filled? I hope. but i hope not. I hope that i will die always looking for something more. I hope what i have is never enough. that way i will always have something to live for. I couldn't imagine what being content would be like? would it bring me inner peace? I think my inner peace comes from knowing that there is always something bigger out there. But what if that's not inner peace? what if it is the source of my eternal curse of being uneasy. What is that is what is keeping me from being able to really, 100 percent relax. Can you ever really do that? probably. I just don't think i'll ever be able to get myself there though. nothing ever seems to fit. When it does, it falls apart so horribly, or it turns so the angle of imperfection is finally revealed. And when it is, its back to square one. Is that it? and if its not, if there's more, is that it?

2006-11-13T21:09:00.000-05:00

If I Could write the beauty of your eyes, and in fresh numbers number all your graces, the age to come would say ‘this poet lies, such heavenly touches ne’er touch’d earthly faces.’

-Shakespeare, one of his sonnets

karma is a beautiful thing...

2006-11-05T17:32:00.000-05:00

o yes it is. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Bitch. play me, end up in the hospital, hahaha. Enjoy your stomache flu, dipshit! It's funny he's at the hospital at which I work. I should go in just to gloat, i thought about it but then realized, i'm way above that. haha, i have the satisfaction of knowing what goes around comes around. hahaha FUCKER.

Happy Eid Shereen....

2006-10-23T20:18:00.000-04:00

Today is the first day of eid al fitr- yay! i only wish it felt like it. I was in school. I was in school on a day that is equivelent to christmas. Stupid chemistry and Math lessons that i coulndn't miss. ugh. It's week 8 of the marking period and i don't feel like getting less then my standard grades. O well, eid al adha is in like, 11 weeks i think, maybe less? more maybe? i don't crae what anyone says, i'm skipping school then. I just wish i could have been in syria or egypt or saudia this time or year when everyone is happy and celebrating. Like if I took last wednesday to this wednesday off and flew over there to celebrate, that would've been great. But it didn't happen. O well. I sent buddy a eid greeting, we aren't necessary on "ideal" terms. Not bad, but not good. Very strange ones if i may say. And all the distance does not make it any easier. Neither does Bishoy. O Bishoy. that's a whole other story. I just don't know i like him but at the same time, i'm like "ummm...." I just don't know. o by the way, he's my boyfriend. Ya, great i know i don't even know how i feel about my boyfriend, who by the way is more than i could ever ask for in a guy. He's great. I still don't understand how i got so lucky to have him. I just don't know. Part of me is like "enjoy it god damn it! your in your prime you're only young once!" and the other part is saying "what the fuck is wrong with you? how the hell have you let yourself become this way? you actually let yourself date? and you have such little shame?!" it just, I hate who i've let myself become. I do feel shame, just not enough to stop what i'm doing. It just, it makes me so happy. I love meaning so much to someone and having someone mean so much to me. It makes me feel so alive. It gives me a warm feeling inside my cold self. I just don't know what to make of all that is happening. I am in good terms with my mom, and my family, which is good. Yet i feel so guilty keeping secrets from them. I think this god's way of torturing me. Mental torture, one of the worst kinds. But i guess its a good sign, that i still do fear him and i still do have faith in my religon. I know what i am doing is wrong, i'm just not ready to stop. I wanna keep swimming in the chocolate...So bad, yet so good...

leave a comment.....
if u care...

this one is for laylet al adr

2006-10-18T20:00:00.001-04:00

God, i know I haven't been the best lately and i know that. I own up to all my mess ups, and all that. BUt it is laylet al adr, the holiest night of the year, and god this is my du'aa.

I want you to be forgiving of all the good people in the world. I want you to help all the people who need to be helped. Help those in africa who are starving or malnurished or impoverished or diseased with the deadliest of diseases. I want you to help those who are victims of bad people and put those bad people to hell. Help all those who have lost their families and and have been rapped and have been through i hell i can onnly think about. Help all those whose lives are endangered b/c of war or other traumatic events. Help the orphans who arch for some love. Give them your love and mercy. Shade them in this life as well as the next. Look after them. Help those poor people who were affected by the pakistani earthquake and those in the tsunami. Forgive good people of their sins god. They are good people who are effected by the circumstances you set for them. Forgive them god. Forgive us all. Forgive my family and make them all happy. Shade them on the day of judgement. shade us all. Purify our hearts. We are all in your hands god. Hold us. Help us.

Inna lillah wa elayhi raji3oun

Amen

this one is for laylet al adr

2006-10-18T20:00:00.000-04:00

God, i know I haven't been the best lately and i know that. I own up to all my mess ups, and all that. BUt it is laylet al adr, the holiest night of the year, and god this is my du'aa.

I want you to be forgiving of all the good people in the world. I want you to help all the people who need to be helped. Help those in africa who are starving or malnurished or impoverished or diseased with the deadliest of diseases. I want you to help those who are victims of bad people and put those bad people to hell. Help all those who have lost their families and and have been rapped and have been through i hell i can onnly think about. Help all those whose lives are endangered b/c of war or other traumatic events. Help the orphans who arch for some love. Give them your love and mercy. Shade them in this life as well as the next. Look after them. Help those poor people who were affected by the pakistani earthquake and those in the tsunami. Forgive good people of their sins god. They are good people who are effected by the circumstances you set for them. Forgive them god. Forgive us all. Forgive my family and make them all happy. Shade them on the day of judgement. shade us all. We are all in your hands god. Hold us. Help us.

Inna lillah wa elayhi raji3oun

Amen

2006-10-17T11:42:00.000-04:00

So, my mom had been in the hospital since friday. She had major surgery. She got a tumor removed from her facial nerve, the one behind her ear. Well, it's been a rough recovery for her. I feel so bad. I miss her. I can't standd to see her in so much pain. It kills me. My grandma came from syria last monday- woopdido. It's just, she so old and out of whack. It's frustrating how unreasonable she can be. I know it's not her fault, that's just what happens with age but still. I don't know. My mom told me, before she went into surgery, "take care of your grandma." Damn. Hopefully yammo will be coming home today or tomorrow. This ramadan had probably been the least spiritual one for me to date. It's unfortunate. I have Bishoy to blame for that. Wanna know what else is great? my brother caught me on the phone with him last night and he dosen't want me talking to him anymore. I hate that. He's my boyfriend(my brother dosen't know that). I reaaly like him. Its like, i dunno. I just do. He so great. You just don't meet people like him everyday. I wish i did though. I don't know, i just don't want to stop talking to him. But I hate sneaking around, it's too hard, too stressful. I can't stand this. This has not been a very good week. Maybe it'll get better. I sure as hell hope so. I just want things to fall in place. I'm gonna go home and sleep, then i'll go back to school for college night...ugh...college.

Just a poem...from a prespective other than my own

2006-10-13T22:22:00.000-04:00

I sit under the water
and its coming down
down
on to me
I look up throught the steam
up at this shower head
it soaks me in realty
it drenches me with it
and there isn't much I can do...
there is
but i'm not doing it
I want to feel it
I want to be drenched in the cold water
With every drop that hits me
an inkling of my soul is released
released to finally scream about the pain
the pain that it has been soncealing for so long
and the water comes down.
I'm sitting
curled up
hiding
trying to minimize my very presence
trying to turn it into an absence
An absence no one would notice
and then I notice
and the cuts are suddenly fresh once again
and they bleed
and the red water flows
and it hurts.
Then there's the bruises
o the bruises
I cry tears of blood as it all comes back to me
terrorizing.
that's what it was
How could he have done this to me?
how could I have let him?
The pain.
O the pain
and the water is suddenly more han water,
its suddenly acid
I feel it discentigrate my flesh
Ohhhhh!!!

and i open my eyes
look up
and realize its the same cold water coming down
I start to drift to another place
a place i've been before
I realize that i'm losing myself
where have i gone?
where have I been?
where am I going?
I swallow hard
i give out a breath
and take in another one
and then i know
it's about to happen again
I hear it
its coming
NO GOD DAMN IT!

and i come to
and the water comes down.

2006-10-06T22:19:00.000-04:00

the night was quiet
she stands by her window
peering out to the lack of view
just a few street lights
their reflections glow in the puddles
it had been raining all day
Her favorite kind of day
A little gloomy
tons of mystery
nothing very clear
nothing is ever clear

She's suddenly pissed
What the fuck?
is this it?
it is isn't it?
Seriously?
damn.

She lights up a smoke,
breaths in the poison
and trys to relax
She takes some old coffee from the machine and heats it in the microwave
There's a bag of chocolate riesens under a chair
she reaches for it and finds her favorite black stilettos she's been looking for
Son of a bitch

She goes back to the window
Wishes there was somthing more to look at
just these three street lights
At least they have each other
But what if they don't want each other?
She doesn't want anyone
yet the loneliness is lethal for her well being
who says she has to be well?
her thoughts are interrupted by the microwave ringing

Coffee's ready
no sugar
no cream
damn.

She takes a chocolate and lets it met in her mouth
mmmm
takes a drag on the menthol,
gets a little closer to where she wants to be
sips the coffee...
rough...
ugh...

Damn these street lights

2006-09-13T20:38:00.000-04:00

here i am back in school. i hate it already. i hate the routine. I hate knowing what my days and weeks and month are going to be like. I hate how everything is so predictable. I dream of those warm, care-free summer nights to come back.
I've started prepping for the debate season, i'm varsity this year- yay.
I got my lisence which i thought would be a lot more exiting than it actually is, but o well.

2006-09-04T18:04:00.001-04:00

in that mood
when you just don't know
not much is clear
you are just watching the hours come and go
you don't think about anything
well, not really
almost living subconciously
not really aware of all that is
the haze of summer is coming to a dead halt
today is the last day
Unfortunately
it was an amazing time
i learned many things
and i'm glad
It was a time to grow
and i think i have
still lost in the haze
i don't don't feel like coming to
so maybe i won't....

2006-09-04T18:04:00.000-04:00

2006-08-27T09:07:00.000-04:00

I miss you. I love you, yet i never told you. I'm sorry...for everything...and anything. I love you.

How does it happen anyway? How can one person just meet another and just out of absolutely nowhere have these feelings. Feelings that have never been felt before. How did it happen? It's amazing isn't it. I mean it's almost like it wasn't my call. I had no intention for what happened to happen. It just did. And it rocked my world. It rocked my world in a way that it has never been rocked before. It totally messed me up for a while. and now i'm recovering but it hurts. It hurts. It hurts everywhere. And i'm sad. Sad because you're so far away....

2006-05-27T23:18:00.000-04:00

So here it is, my last night in america, well, at least until i get back from where I'm going. I'll be gone 3 months. At first that's what I wanted. But then, saying good bye was the hardest thing. It was so hard. I have such good friends, and i know such good people. It hurts so bad to leave them all behind. On the other hand, i know such good people where I'm going, and it has been ery hard being away from them. promised I would come back, and I'm fulfilling the promise. I guess shakespeare knew what he was talking about when he wrote "parting is such sweet sorrow" As everyone hugged me good-bye, i wanted to cry. I did after everyone left. That's what absolutly sucks about my situation, whereever I am, I'm always missing someone like hell. i guess that's just the way things are...

quotes anyone?

2006-05-26T11:19:00.000-04:00

hello, these are just some quotes i'd like to share with you, i don't know exactly who said them, but i'll credit the ones I do know...
"If you have no shame, then do what you want" -islamic hadith

"when someone starts getting all pissy- shit with you remember this: It takes about 42 muscles in your face frown. However, it only takes 4 muscles in extend your arm and bitchslap that mother*&%#+! upside the head..."

"just love, and the world will love you back."

"while everyone is lost, the battle is won, with all these things that I've done" -The killers

"Wuh-ell yeah, and I'm sad, but at the same time I'm really happy that somethin' could make me feel that sad. It's like, ih ih, ih it makes me feel alive, you know? It makes me feel human. And the only way I could feel this sad now is if I felt somethin' really good before. So I have to take the bad with the good, so I guess what I'm feelin' is like a, beautiful sadness. I guess that sounds stupid..." -Butters from south park describing how he felt after being dumped by a girl friend

help me

2006-05-12T23:15:00.000-04:00

i don't believe i have ever been so irritated in my life. I reset my hotmail account password, and now i can't remember it. shoot me now. I'm so unbelieveably frustrated. I feel like taking a gun and shooting my computer until it coughs up my password and lets me access my contacts and everyone else I know. This is so unbelieveably frustrating. Some one just come shoot me. My brain is going absolutely nuts over this. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
someone fucking help me. You wanna know the worst part? I can't remember the answer to my secret question. And there's this other option that says to send an email to your account to reset the password.....dumbasses, how the fuck am i supposed to recieve that email if i can't FUCKING ACCESS MY EMAIL ACOUNT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FUCKIN' A!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Isn't there some sort of number that i can call so that someone can just give me my password??????
FUCKIN AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
fuck me for shits and giggles!!!!!!!!!!!! fuckin bitches!

the count down

2006-05-06T10:59:00.000-04:00

Well, about 23 more days till I'm gone to damascus, syria for the summer. It'sbeen a really long time since I've been there, about 2 years. I have a lot of cousins and people there, so i'm really looking forward to it. I'm going to have to miss the last 2 weeks of school(yay) and take my finals early(eww). So yea, there was also a gun threat at my school yesterday, so i skipped and went to a yoga class instead. I was actually more productive in my house than i would have been in school. I got my english Essay done, and i finished filming my german video. So yea, if you ask me, we spend way to much time in school doing absolutely nothing. I'm just bored with it, you know??

the monday from hell, well sort of..

2006-04-24T21:39:00.000-04:00

so, for as long as i can remember i have always hated mondays. TOday is the perfect example. My mom had her surgery today. It wasn't like simple outpatient surgery that takes an hour, it took 3 hours surgery and 3 hours recovery, After they sent her up to her room, she kept vomiting, which is rediculous b/c she hadn't eaten anything. She couldn't even keep water down. It was bad.
You see, my dear blogger, she has a tomour on her facial nerve behind her ear. As god would have it, it turned out to be benine(relief). It has been there since 1985, when she first experienced paralysis in her from going out in the cold. Since then it has been living off her nerves and getting bigger. Today's procedure was kind of an exploration/ mission to buy more time. What the doctor did was chizzle the bone so the pressure on the nerve from the tumor would be temporarily relieved. He took a little sample of it and the tested it and it turned out to be not cancerous. Hopefully later this year there will be another procedure to completely remove this tumor and insert a graft instead. It will take her a while to gain back control of her face(ie- eye, mouth, emotion), but the damage that is done cannot be reversed. She has lost 50% of her hearing in her left ear. On the bright side, people invented hearing aids.
Anyway, when it comes down to it, i guess everything could be a lot worse. I'm thankful to god that it's just her face and not her whole body. I'm sure things will work out, they always do, one way or another.....

That's what I had in mind though.....

2006-03-21T20:26:00.000-05:00

Well, I begin this post with a sigh *sigh* Well, I kinda made out with this guy at a party last Friday. He was amazing. So amazing. *sigh* While I was doing it, I figure, no big, it'll be a one time thing and on Monday, we'll just go back to saying hi in the halls and talking on occasion, and maybe have friends with benefits type of thing. Sounds great, no? It sounded great to me. It still does. If you've been reading me for a while, u know that I'm Arab and my parents don't believe in casual dating( let alone friends with benefits). So back to recent events. I come into school on Monday. He sees me in the hall, and his eyes light up instantly. He says hi, I say, b/c that's all there was time for. I see him again near the end of the day and we only get a like 30 seconds to talk. We just asked ea/ other about the party, yadda yadda yadda, and the bell rang, and we had to go. So I see him this morning, and I lightly touch his arm as I pass him ( so he can see me, because he's a foot taller than I, [he's a basketball player] and he doesn't look down when he walks) he turns gives a smile and a wink and by that time I'm gone. BUT O MY GOD. Suddenly I don't feel my legs and I stumble a bit. He is so hot. O my god he really is. Anyway. So school ends and I see him on his way to his locker and I say hey. He starts walking with me and we talk. It was kind of awkward, we didn't have much to talk about. You'd think he might say something like, "so we should go out sometime" or, " give me your number and we'll do what we did on Friday again sometime." But no. I don't know why, but he didn't. That discouraged me. Usually I am not one to date, but for him I would have said yes and it would have been worth it. No luck whatsoever. So he leaves. I make my way to my posse. First order of business, Jose. Jose? Jose where are you? I don't know I think he got lucky(haha). Who do I see next? Steve. "Steve sweetheart I need to ask you something" so I do and he says yes, he would ask a girl out when shehad already made out with him. I think that's because he has the balls. Sadly enough, that's the conclusion I came up with. This guy would ask me out if he had some balls(but, I'm sure his are pretty decent). I mean, even though I would have said no to dating and being BF/GF, still! You think he would have at least asked! I mean if you heard him at the party(which, by the way, we were both totally and completely sober at, there wasn't even alcohol there!) it was great. I was great, he was great. IT WAS GREAT! And I'm good at that type of thing, I know I am. Maybe he has in mind the same thing I did. It'll be one of those unspoken things. We'll hook up again eventually. The door is open whenever we feel like walking through. That was the original plan, and I should stop with the over analysis- it's not a term paper, just a fling.............With a really hot guy................

o yea, please comment.............

2006-03-07T11:37:00.000-05:00

well, not much has been happening lately. The Culture show is this week. I'm in it with my friends, but we're not coordinated, so we're going to be busting our asses this week to not look like idiots. What else, i went to this interfaith program at a church on saturday. It was about reuniting the children of Abraham. I thought it was pretty cool. It made me take a good look at myself. It made me realize that i've taken up hate for jews, just because i'm arabic and their jewish, it made me realize that before i start preaching o peace this and peace that, I should rid my heart of hate, and try to be a better person. So that's my new personal goal, to truly be a good person. I started yesterday. A survivor of the Holoucost was invited to our school to tell us of his experience, so i went to see what he had to say. Although it was a little boring, i think i got something accomplished. I think it would have been more influential if he talked about what they did to him rather than how he escaped. Nonetheless, I think i accomplished something towards my goal, and i think that something worth noting.

the big day

2006-02-18T11:00:00.000-05:00

So today is the big day. we have been planning for this dinner since November, and it's today. And I'm the MC...yea. I'm nervous, but that's okay. Everything'll be just fine tomorrow. We sort of exceeded the max capacityof our banquet hall by 20 people, but that's ok too. Everyone was like, omg this is not going to fly, you probably won't even get 100 people! Eat your heart out bitches! we got 170 people! Anyway i got this email with some funny pictures i though you might enjoy....

Just in case Bat man forgets??

Hygiene is important, no?

mmm, decisions decisions....

well then, how do I get in? maybe the exit?

McDeath?

I hope the emergency isn't too important

And you thought that particular personality trait wouldn't look good on your resume...

sick for the past 2 days

2006-02-08T21:03:00.000-05:00

todo do do do. so, i wake up this morning with a pounding headache, and a clogged soar throat. It also is the first day of my monthly period. There's no way i can go to school right away, so i stay home, take a few drugs, go to sleep for an hour and let it all kick in. Ann hour an a half later I wake up to hear my brother rushing to get ready to make his first morning class. I have already missed first and secong hour. I get ready and make it to school with 20 minutes left of third hour(i missed the review, which sux cuz i have a test tomorrow). Thomas sits behind me in Bio and he always thinks i'm up to no good, 40% of the time he's right. Now I've known thomas since kindergarten and he's quite a character. He starts rippin' on me as we always do to each other. So i tell him off(and it was a good one too) and he says "well, its someone's time of the month." And i'm like "wow! that's amazing! I actually just started this morning!" We both start laughing, he apologizes and puts out five for me to slap(don't ask me why) and he gets saved by the bell.
well, all i can say is somethings u wish'll never change. Thomas is priceless.

The superbowl in Detroit and the state of the union

2006-02-02T20:26:00.000-05:00

Well, only 3 days tills superbowl XL hits the motor city. Everyone's like "wow" and I'm like "fuck you" First of all, choosing the rolling stones for 1/2 time entertainment is very bad judgment! It's ridiculous! They should at least have some talent from Detroit do the the half time show! Weather its eminem, madonna, kid rock, even fucking uncle kracker!(just a little FYI, Madonna actually graduated from my high school {Rochester Adams} 30 years ago, in 1976) The hotels are getting a kick out of the superbowl though. They established this 4-night minimum stay for superbowl weekend. Its reported that 30,000 hotel rooms were booked for the weekend and most people arrived today to my the city. But that's not the bad part. The bad part is what they're doing to the homeless people who live on detroit's streets and shelters. They shutting down some shelters until the big day, and then bringing in TV's for everyone to watch the game and stay out of the streets. They're trying their best not to let anyone sleep in public. It so fucking stupid! It's like their trying to hide the eyesore's of the city. But dammit! It exists! They're trying to hussel everyone out of the city and up to Pontiac (another ghetto place in southeast Michigan) and be like "fuck you" when its all over. I hate it! Why does it have to be like this? This is to anyone who is coming to Detroit for the game: it may seem all glamorous and nice and secure, but as soon as you leave, It's going to be like this "fuck the natives, we already tidied up the city for the rest of the U.S. to see." Whatever. I intended to go on bitching about the state of the union address and the monkey running our country, but I'll give u everyone a break...

pee in a cup...weeeeeeee..........

2006-01-30T20:00:00.000-05:00

So, i go to the doctor today, right. right. For the first time since i was 3, they made me pis in a cup. yes. they did. It was wierd for me cuz, well, c'mon i'm TAKING A PIS IN A CUP! well, first of all she gives me this wierd cup with a lid that was impossible to open. And when i finally did open it i cut my finger and started bleeding. She also gave my this packet of wipes and this is what the it said on the instructions " intended to be used on genital area" haha. Well, After 20 minutes i finally got the deed done. It was wierd driving on the way home. The doctor i went to today was actually a new one. This was my first visit to her. I think i want a new doctor, One that dosen't give me pis cups that are impossible to open. moving on...
We're reading Fuckleberry Finn in school, or should i say we're supposed to be reading. So this is supposedly THE american novel. My foot. It's about this racist hic boy who can't use proper english. It's not like i didn't try to read. I did, i really did, I read a paragraph and decided to update my blog. So here I am. And the worst part, we have pop quizzes about the reading like, every fucking day. Luckily, there's this wonderful website called geadesaver.com. Try it, it's amazing. And o yea, if you agree with me about Huck Finn, Leave a comment or if its your bible, leave a comment as well. OR, if you ever cut your finger opening a pee cup,, you guessed it, leave a comment!

first week of the new semester

2006-01-20T22:40:00.000-05:00

what is it with me and psycho math teachers, For the past 3 semesters i have had an angry black man teaching me geometry and the first 1/2 of advanced algebra while accusing me of being a stoner. I finally swith out of his class to someone a little closer to normal right? WRONG...my new Advanced algebra teacher has a lazy eye and rhymes. Not like a few words rhyme, i mean like 15 minute streaks rhyme, is nuckin' futs. And what amazes me is that he is teaching on those rhymes streaks, and I learn something...hmmm.....i had to think about that one.
What to say, What to say, well, there isn't much to say when you're in on a friday night in january in michigan. That's another thing, its january and there's no snow. WTF? ha! just watch it snow in may, it would happen to, I am in michigan by the way. I need 2 get outta this place. I haven't left the state since december 26th, 2004! omg it's been 2 long. Gimme outta here people, or at least leave me a comment to be exited about.....

stupid anyone??

2006-01-11T15:46:00.000-05:00

right here! so i go to secretary of state today so i could get my permit. Let me explain, get it it again because i lost it. so normally the stuff is in the computer, but mith me, having the luck that i do, my name dosen't show up in the system. I had my social security, and ID and mom, not my passport. And i guess without that i couldn't do anything so i have to go back home get my passport and and come all the way back and do the process over again. yukky. And that's not why i feel so stupid, when the woman asked when my birthday was, I FORGOT! who does that?????? wow. She made me feel like the stupidest person on earth and then she says "and his is the future of america" ~sighs~ I'm at the library now, where my whole school i studying for finals, what am i doing?? reading cosmo and updating my blog. Can't you tell i'm an amazing student? (by the way, i actually do get decent grades). Before i came to the library i had to stop at the post office to pick up a form to renew my passport. Guess what i did....i picked up the wrong form and i can't figure out why. ~more sighs~ I ain't got it down today....

all i wanted today

2005-12-23T20:31:00.000-05:00

(sighs) all i wanted today was to spend an hour at the Village(an out door mall) with my mom without the senior shithead. I hate how we have to fucking drag her everywhere. It fucking sucks. Fuck. She leaves on january 4th. not that long way away, but oo long. She's been here since fucking september. Fuck. Back to today... I just wanted to walk aroung in the icy weather and look at all the lights and people shopping for xmas with my mom. I ended up not doing that because of that ugly old shit i call grandma. Don't get me wrong, we went. I just didn't get to chill alone with my mom, which i hate to admit, i kinda miss. It totally pissed me off how my grandma hates walking and is always bitching aboutone thing or another and she never shuts the fuck up. Fuck. I think I spent a total of 4 minutes with ol' yammo that was walking from Coldwater creek(that's where she works, she put a stuffed penguin on hold which we bought and i named rik after her hilarious, charming boss) to J. Crew. See i had dopped old shit off at parisian shoe dept. to sit/look at people. I know this sounds mean, but she likes it and it was not my idea, my mom's actually. After that she's like "o i should go get your grandma, I'll meet you at gap, okay?" And i'm like whatever. So yea. It just pissed me off. I didn't mention it to her. I don't think i should, or can. Like any daughter would, my mom loves her mom, and her mom is going to die pretty soon anyway, so i may as well let her have a good time with her without having her recieve shit from me. but it still pisses me off. Fuck. For christmas, all I want is to spend sometime with my mom without old shit being there. But that's not happening. Even though my family dosen't celebrate xmas, i still put up a tree and got them a box of fine godivas. Just watch my mom bitch at me for doing that. I'll let you know on christmas. until then, enjoys your holiday weekend everyone, god bless.

3 day before chiristmas and working at the hospital

2005-12-22T17:39:00.000-05:00

well, i'm just waiting to go home. My ride'll be here in 20 minutes and there's like, one person in the waiting room. I skipped school today. It was the last day until break anyway. NOthing but parties and movies all day. I took all the tests earlier this week, so no worries. My mom took me shopping instead. I bought gap jeans. on sale at $12.97 not bad. After I'm finished here, i'll be going to a christmas party. that should be interesting, since i don't formally celebrate xmas. BUt hey, xmas these days is more like a marketing tactic than a religous holiday to celebrate the birth of jesus christ. comment if you agree with me, or don't(agree with me that is). I just look forward to the day after xmas when everything goes on sale. My uncle's in Vegas right now. He's here in the states from overseas, and he beat me to Vegas. That's very annoying to a travel channel junkie. But then again, I'm a minor so Vegas wouldn't be very fun for me anyway. In a few years....Shro WILL do Vegas. Until then, i have to pee...

snow day!!!!!

2005-12-09T16:01:00.000-05:00

This is probably one of the best things about michigan. SNOW DAYS. I got up at 6 am this morning to study fot the two tests i was upposed to have. I turn on the tv on mute to check to see if there was school.Everyone was doing snow dances yesterday for the snow to fall. I guess it worked. That's great because we get a 3 day weekend. Today, life's good. So i went back to sleep and woke up again at 12. Got up saw my uncle on the computer chatting with my cousins back in syria. Anyway, I go outside and i start shoveling the driveway, which is always fun(did u catch the sarcasm on that?) . Yesterday I was working at the hospital. There was still 11 people left in surgery when i left 6. That's a lot of people.

slow internet

2005-12-07T20:26:00.000-05:00

If you have comcast internet, for the love of god, don't switch to SBC/Dsl_ it sux and rediculously slow. OMg i guess that just shows how impatient i am. I get bored pretty easy too. O well. So anyway, in myna we're working on our event for saturday feb.16 '06. Last week we supposedly locked in our hall with a safety deposit. BUt when i called yesterday, the woman's like umm, no. And i'm like uhhhh. So i'm kinda working on that technical difficulty. You know how stuff just kinda pops into yourself subconcious like that? Well for me after i had showered at the gym i got this really bad nervous feeling and i couldn't figure it out but then i remember. I owe that one to my psyc. teacher, Mrs. Hickey. We learned about conciousness and all that stuff. I bet i wouldn't have remembered and just gotten really angry for the rest of the evening if i still had that nervous feeling. whew. I have a math quiz friday, yukky. If anyone is reading this, please tell me when i will ever use advaced algebra in my life, beyond the basics(like putting in carpet and painting walls and stuff). Like seriously, if you remember, let alone use the stuff you learned in advanced algebra, tell me so i won't feel like i'm wasting my time. Anyway. It feels late alothough its 9:45. I think its cuz the sun is settin at like, 5. i know, welecome to michigan. I was actually talking to someone in the steam room. And I asked her where she was from and She told me and pointed to the tip of her thumb on her left hand to show me exactly where. CAn anyone out of state do that with where they live? i don't think so, so HA! well, if you're from iTaly i guess you could use your boots, but the hand is better. haha

please

2005-12-03T22:41:00.000-05:00

just hold me, and maybe i won't be so scared. just talk to me, and you may save me from myself without even knowing it. smile at me and maybe you'll make my day. Love me, and maybe i'll feel an ounce less of sadness. think of me and maybe i'll find my way into your heart, or you into mine. take me back to the stars, the moon, and everything else that is great. i had to find you, and when i did i felt relief. the kind i need right now. No one ever told me life would be this way. look me in the eye, and take my breath away. dry my tears and tell me you care. tell me you love me, and then hold me. Just hold me...just like this....be silent a while...and hold me tighter. Never let me go. Make me feel a way i have never felt. Give me that feeling i have been craving so long......

why, god damn it?

2005-12-02T19:24:00.000-05:00

the other day i was thinking, how can some one have good character and such bad judgement? why are we so defined by our actions. Does everthing we do really define who we really are? On the inside at least? how can we be something to someone and something completely different to somone else? Why? How can we see the light on both sides but be so indecisive about what we believe and what we really want? why are we so driven and affected by society's norm? Who is society anyway? How do we become a society with norms and crap? Why are we so different then how we used to be not so long ago? how can my face be so warm but my hands so cold?? why is it that i write my best with a cigarette in my mouth? Why are we so obbsessed with living to be old? why the hell would you want to be old. Why would you want be wrinkly and dependent on other people? Why would you want to retire to a retirment home. I don't thin i could handle watching my lookis deteriorate as the years go by. I hope to die when i am still content with myself. I actually had a dream about my death. We were in lock down at school cuz there was some killer i guess. HE came into the classroom and everyone got to escape except me. I yelling al-shahada(which is a good thing) and the next thing i know i'm being stabbed to death. yet some how my brian cut that out of my dream. But then i woke up, not for real, in the dream. I was in psychology and had just experienced a hallucination. NO one even noticed. My cell goes off and its my dad. "fill up on gas on your way home" "ok, put amr on the line" i tell my brother what happened and he is uninterested. then i wake up, in real life that is. it is believed that if you see yourself die in a dream it means that a new destiny has been written for you. That scares me. It could be a better one, but it could be a horrible one as well. The more i think about it the more I am scared shitless of what the future holds for me. I am scared to know what i will do and what i will be like. It scares me shitless. Maybe i should stop cursing. I'll give it a shot this weekend. I'll see if i can go the whole weekend without an f-word. Wish me luck and leave a comment!

2005-11-19T11:40:00.000-05:00

its been a while since i've updated. It's about time. Well my gradma is still here. My uncle and hos wife are coming the 5th and are leaving the fourth of january of next year. hopefully they'll all be gone by then and things will go back to normal. Not that it was that different. But i will be living in the formal lounge for pretty much all of december and into the new year. That should be interesting. I'm going to have to move my clothes to the coat closet. hmm fun. My privacy level will proably go down as well. Hopefully it won't be too bad. i'm gonna go get water.
i just got some, its icy, yet there's no ice in it. Well, not icy, but chilly rather. why do we have so many words that pretty much mean the same thing? Michigan weather is kicking in. It's starting to get really cold. I'm going ice skating today for the first time. I bet i'll fall on my ass. haha. This woman called today. I babysat her kids about a year and a half ago. They were alright. But it was funny, before she left, she's like, yea, my daughter's got this disorder whereshe has a hard time going to sleep without me so if she gives you a hard time, just call my cell. And i'm like WTF? I read her a story and she went to sleep, so it wasn't too bad. I kinda helped myself into their fridge without her saying so before she left. But when she came back she appologized for not leaving anything out for me. And i was like "no problem" as i tried to swallow a kibbee i was eating. haha! i didn't eat that much! When she asked how much i usually charge, i accidentally said 10 bucks an hour(o shit) when i really meant 8, *sighs*

today was such a monday!

2005-10-24T21:31:00.000-04:00

it really was. I looked like krapp, i was unbelieveably tired, and bored. I was SO out of it. o well. I need to do my english, but i won't, i'll just copy andrew's analysis tomorrow. The english i'm in is honors, it's not that hard. It does however filter out all the idiots, which is good. anyway. Debate meeting, boring. i have a competetion on wednesday, and i better win. It's the last round of the Utica debate league. Afterward they announce the ranks and hand out the awards, we might rank, we might not, but, i do qualify for a speaker award, so yay. So i find out today i'm in charge of booking the banquet hall for my youth group's event next year (january). That's fine with me. I can handle it, but ICA better not give me shit! I almost most definately will book the Unity Center. It's very nice. I ran for vice president earlier this fall. I have been in MYNA for 3 years, this is now my fourth. I deseved it SO much. so much more then the bitch who won. Why the hell did she run??? She's a freshman! all of her other fucking freshman friends oted for her and i lost, by one vote. I know i'm only a sophomore, but i've been in MYNA a lot longer than she has. I have a shit load more experience and leadership skills. I'm not fucking lazy. And I KNOW HOW TO FUCKING GET THINGS DONE!! at meetings me and medina,the president, run things. She just kinda stands up there being stupid, because she dosen't know what to do. When the supervisors announced the results, i died. I felt a fuse pop in my head. It was one of the worst feelings ever. i didn't sleep that night. I cried. I felt like I had failed miserably. But it wasn't my fault. I don't think i could have been any more persuasive. You just can't get stubborn bitches to not vote for their pal. ONE fucking vote. I could blame so many people. but i'm not going to go there again. All i wanted was the recognition for the crap that i know i'm gonna end up taking on this year. It's such bullshit. And you know what pisses me off the most? the people who voted for her come up to me on saturday and say "o you should of won." or "o i voted for you, she dosen't know what she's doing." DON"T FUCKING LIE TO MY FACE!!!! i know she dosen't know what she's doing! And I know you fucking supported that bein the vp of myna isn't like playing with shits and giggles! IT takes fucking dedication and work god damnit! And someone with half a head on her shoulders!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!

significance of today

2005-10-20T20:14:00.000-04:00

well, today we had late start, which is usually but, today, i was till tired. Yesterday there was latestart as well. But, right after school, i had to be go to a debate competetion... and i won, yay me :*]. I actually scouted the other team out, o well, i was just being resourceful. later that night i got to catch up on my reading, TIME, and this novel, about grace. It's a very good, book i'd recomend it to anyone. today was okay, not the best. It was fine until i got to 6th hour and got my test back, i got a 78% that is not what i was expecting, it made me very sad and angry. I really stuidied and i thought i did well, but show's how much i know. And you know what else pisses me off, when I ask a question to MR. smith about the lesson, he gives me so much crap and smartmouthness(is that a word?) it;s very frustrating. I feel like I can't ask questions in his class, and that's why i get less than wonderful grades. The end of the marking period is next week, we have a quiz tomorrow and a notebook check. I studied, my notebook is always organized, I NEED THOSE POINTS! if i want to get at least a B- for the quarter, i need a 90 on the quiz and a 97 on the notebook check. If you're reading this wish me luck. Anyway after i leave class feeling very upset and getting my elbow slammed inside my locker, i get to the front of the school where i wait for my ride and chill with friends. So i go up there put my books down.
"wud up shorty?" Sonnie :*) he didn't realize it but just seeing him, made me feel better. From behind me steve comes up and starts tickeling me.( i'm super ticklish) He gets me half way to the floor. Sigh. They leave me with hugs and a smile and sense of knowing, that i have good friends. I love them both, I do. God bless them for being so great. Even in summer, when i was a little messed up from everything, i rode my bike and accidentally found their house. they were so wonderful to me. I don't think they realize it though, but that's okay.
When i think about it, my problems seem so small. See, i was working at the hospital today, at the surgical reception, like I always do. This woman comes up she just wants to check on her husband. So kelly runs back to OR to get an update. the woman waits at the reception. she says "It's been a long week." and i'm like "tell me about it." she does... her daughter died earlier this week. 31 years old. 2 kids. she was In intensive care for 4 days, so i'm guessing it was a car crash. I look at the woman who is startign to get teary. all i could say was "deepest sympathy" I wanted to reach out and take her hand and say to be strong, but the phone rang. So what is the significance of today? COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS PEOPLE, TELL THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE YOU LOVE THEM...AND COMMENT ON SHRO'S BLOG!

just read...

2005-10-16T20:38:00.000-04:00

have you ever thought about someone so much that you have hot dreams about them? I do. ALL THE TIME. i love my own "original" films. my mind is unbelieveably horny at night. I LOVE LOVE LOVE it! the star of yesterday's special feature is one of my Favorite guys! no one you would know, but unbelieveably yummy to me. He is about o, 6' 5"ish 250ish pounds i wanna say and a whole lotta man! HE's 24 (i know i always go for older guys) carmel hair i wanna say hazel eyes... AND REDICULIOSLY GOOD LOOKING! like he's so hot it should be illegal! O GOD!!!! so you're wondering, what caused me to think of this guys? well, yesterday there was an event at the center and i saw him for the first time in a while. He saw me, got exited and came over and gave me the sweetest, closest hug, and kinda rubbed his face against mine. HE said he looked good, i said thanks and same to him, but then i had to go meet someone else and he had something to take care of. Anyway It was only a few minutes but it was enough to make the cut into MGM SHRO productions. I DEFINATELY need to have a fling with him some time...like for sure.

yea me ;*)

2005-10-06T19:01:00.000-04:00

o thursday. theursday. yesterday was wednsday. yesterday I won both rounds at the debate competetion. I am undefeated! It felt more awesome yesterday, today its just like whatever. Parent teacher confrences. Usually it woudn't be a biggie, but i have a D+ in math, its actually a 69.2% so almost a C. anyway. It's ramadan i get to fast for 30 lovely days.... i was woking at the hospital today. I work with mary, which is always fun. She's just wow, TOO funny. lol anyway i don't know what else to say.

WOW!!!!!!! :*)

2005-09-25T10:20:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was homecoming and i had th time of my life, this year beats last years homecoming with a whip! I has soooooooooooooooo much fun. 8-11 is not long enough! It was just WOW! I think part of i has to do with Scott.....and Josh......and mike :*D. hahaha. But i must say Scott was Wow, i can't even begin to say...... we were all up on each other and just absolutely loving it! But then he moved onto someone else and so did I, but he still was the best. I never really noticed him before...... well in that way. I still probably wouldn't date him, but lemme just say he is movin' up in my book! That one wierd kid was there, just sort of dancin' by himself. I felt kind of bad but at least he seemed happy. Jose tried to get a dance or two out of me, but i blew him off. O well, maybe now he got the hint- "I'M NOT FUCKING INTERESTED!" like these past two weeks before homecoming he's been all touchy feely with me and it's "uh, i'm not your girlfriend! i probably never will be so ssave yourself the heartache" But, i could never be that mean to someone. I could never say something like that to someone strait to their face. I'd rip myself up about it for months. But he saw me with Scott and i think he got the clue. I should probably give josh and mike some credit for a wonderful evening as well. OKay, Josh- You are a wonderful slow dancer and i love how you're so tall and i'm so short. I think its funny that my head rest in the middle of you chest and my arms just barely reach your neck, but the again i don't think i put them up there, or maybe i did. Anyway, mike, you were my first slow dance ever. You suck. I hope you find your way out of the closet soon. j/k (not about the closet part). In the end I was devesdated to leave and go back home, but all good things come to an end. Until next year......

why so fake?

2005-09-22T11:48:00.000-04:00

My grandma is living with us for a little while. For the winter probably, but it get's me, why would you want to spend the winter i michigan? Anyway. She's old. Dosen't do much sleeps a lot. Not that big of an inconveniance, well, at least most of the time. BUt what is inconveniant is how she makes my mom act. My mom loves her very much. Which is cool, but she tries to make herself look good at my expense. She yells and bitches a lot more. Which pisses the shit out of me. And i can't tell her how i feel, because she'll jus yell at me. I hate it. O well, could be worse.
Well, my brother is in college. He works at Taco Bell and Lashish, so i rarely see him. He's He's coming to homecoming(he's taking his now senior girlfriend. Their two year aniversary will be on halloween). I'm glad cuz that way no one'll try to grind me cuz my brother is scary, and people really are afraid of him. About the whole grinding thing. I don't think sexuality and affection should be so public. It should be a very private thing. All my experiences were, and they always will be. I hate walking into school on a monday morning with a sweashirt and blue jeans, not a lick of make up and my hair up and see a whore making out with her manslut boyfriend.... at 7:15 in the morning! That's like my biggest trigger for a pissed off day. Whatever, Akhair Zaman ya ba3di.

The hereafter

2005-09-20T21:41:00.000-04:00

I received an email today. It was reminding me of the judgement day. It getting closer. And that makes me scared shitless. I'm a pretty good person, i think. Well, i try. Compared to western culture, i'm very conservative. Compared to the middle east, i'm may be a little sluttish. It's like i'm lost between both worlds. But I'm still scared shitless of the hereafter. I try to follow Islam as much as I can, but it's not just a simple religon that requires 15 minutes a day and a certain holy day of the week, its a whole lifestyle. A lifestyle that clashes severely with american culture. The norms here are considered sins in my faith. It's tough. I try to be strong. Ramadan is coming. This is my chance to repent from the sins i've accumulated throughout the year. Unlike last year, i kinda want to take full advantage of this month it could do me some good. If their's one thing that needs strengthening, its my faith. I may be too much of a liberist to take it to the full extent, but i sure as hell will try. Its just that lately i've been questioning it. A lot. I still believe god is my savior and only he can save me from hell fire. I still fear him. It's just.....I have no flippin clue anymore. All i can do for now is pray for his enlightenment, love and paradise. Paradise. That's when I'll truly be blissful. Whoever reads this, pray for me, and i will for you 2.

bored as fuck

2005-09-16T12:05:00.000-04:00

i'm in school at lunch. BOred as hell and tired as hell. There's no one in my lunch i feel like chiliin with. so i'm in the library. I swear i'm turning into my dad- anti-social. Well maybe not.I am in the library with a few of my ghetto friends Their awesome. One of them just asked me to homecoming. I said no. NO akward silence. which is good.

seem's like yesterday

2005-09-11T14:00:00.000-04:00

Well, today is september11, 2005. That marks the 4 year aniversary of the attacks. To anyone who is reading this and has lost someone on that day, I offer you deepest sympathy from the bottom of my heart. I can't imagine what that's like. It seems like it happened only yesterday. The image is so vivid in my memory. I still remember the news report that changed everything. It still seems so surreal. Plus the fact that i was standing at the top of the worl trade center a few months before the attacks, makes it that much crazier. Anyway, I have homework. I hate Advanced Algebra, But mr smith isn't as bad this year, maybe its just cuz i'm used to the way he is. Yesterday was our first MYNA ( muslim youth of north america) meeting after we had been on summer vacation. We have a lot of new comers this year which is good. This term seems promising. I think i might get elected Vp this year, which would be great. Anywho, i was out with Katie today. It's been a while since we went out together with sports and debate team and and school work. I'm just glad we got a chance. My mom and brother are at work. Dad's currently in egypt. My grandma is with us for a while though. She's upstairs sleeping. She's been really weak and tired lately. It makes me sad to say it, but i think she almost come to the end of the road. But i think she enjoyed the journey.

home alone

2005-08-27T13:51:00.000-04:00

Wow, its been like a week since i've updated. It's saturday, i'm homealone. I have a project due in a week already. In math yesterday, we took oursecond lesson of the year. So many flashbacks went torough my head as I sat there stariing in confusion. Anyone wanna explain to me just what the hell a function is and how you write one? Anyway, I went to my friend's birthday party yesterday. It blew so i went to the fottball game, that blew too, although we did win. I have work tonight. I'm a server at a banquet hall. I think tonight's event is a wedding. That should be fun. Over the summer, I had forgotten what kind of idiots, assholes, and bitches i went to school with, except for a select few. I'm walking through the halls, just kind of looking at everyone. I'm thinking to my self, o crap another 2 years of this shit. What sucks even more is that there arefeshmen who are taller than I am. But then again, what did I expect, I'm 5'1/2" everyone is taller than i am.I should probably start that history project, or not.

Now i'm just confused

2005-08-22T13:37:00.000-04:00

A few nights ago i was watching Die HArd, one of my all time favorite movies. My brother comes in and watches the last 45 minutes of it with me. afterwards, we just start talking.It has been a very long time since this has happened. I guess you could say he came clean. He was up front with me about how he really feels. O yea, i should probably include that since he failed his pis test and he might go to jail for a few days he decided to live at home while he was studying. I'm relieved to say he returned to the arab way. Anyway, i don't know if I believe everything he told me. He's lied to my face before, so i don't have full trust in him. Wow I'm really hungry for pizza right now. Today is the last day of summer vacation. School starts tomorrow and i'm pissed. But i still feel like having pizza.

What a dumbshit

2005-08-18T12:28:00.000-04:00

My brother failed his pis test today. Well, i should probably mention that a few months ago he was caught with marijuana. It put me through hell. It put all of us through hell. We went through the lawyer, court, everything. He was put on a year probation with random pis tests. He went today and he failed. What a dumbshit. He denied that he did any since the trial, i think. He and my mom went back to the center to pay $25 to get it confirmed at a lab. He could go to jail over this depending on how much is actually in his system. Obviously he goes to court again, and it's another year of all this bullshit all over again. And i hate him for it. I hate him for putting us all through this shit. When he came home and told us i left the room. I heard them from upstairs though. They both started crying after a while. I didn't. That's what's so wierd. It's almost as if i saw this coming. I guess i did but never acknowledged it in my mind. I already cried over this. It was few months ago. I was trying to sleep but couldn't i cried the entire night till i had to go to school the next morning. I can't believe it. I guess slowly i'm blocking it out of my system. But shit just keeps happening. It's a vicious cycle. I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! My dad is at work right now, so he dosen't know what happened. He called and asked but i just said that he came back, and he and my mom went out without telling me. I couldn't tell him. I don't have the heart, especially with my dad. If you're reading this please leave a comment, i could really use some kind words or something. I hope you're week is better than mine.

the summer without carlo (frankee's story con't)

2005-08-17T22:08:00.000-04:00

The summer before my junior year was the summer without Carlo. Near the end of my sophomore year, I got busy with softball and the spring musical and finals. I saw less and less of Carlo and we kept on having the same fight, I was too busy for him, he was tired of having a relationship with my voicemail, yadda yadda yadda… We ended up breaking up at the end of the year and I spent my first summer without Carlo, with Tikwon. Tikwon was a gay black guy from Detroit. He was in New York for the summer. He was enrolled in the NYFA summer program. I’ll never forget how I met Tikwon and all we did together.
It was about 2 weeks after I broke up with Carlo. Rickie was sick of seeing me not do anything all day. She finally came in one morning and started yelling at and undressing me. She said she was sick of this drama shit and that I and she were going to go spend the day in Manhattan, and we weren’t coming back till nighttime. She shoved me into the shower, threw my clothes at me when I got out, and shot me with a hairdryer till I got dressed. She did my hair super fast and stuffed a nutria-grain bar down my throat. When she was doing my hair I looked at her and just began laughing. I love how she acted to be pissed when she was trying to help me. Only a best friend would wake you up at 7 in the summer, start stripping you, shove you into a blistering cold shower, dry you off, dress you, and style your hair all in 20 minutes. That’s how you can tell what you really mean to you’re best friend. Of course, I would definitely do the same for Rickie. Anyway when we went out the door I was still laughing. “race you to the station” I said. “You’re on bitch! 1-2-3 GO!” It had been such a long time since we raced, no one ever won. Our bodies always went the exact same speed as one another. We always tied. I ran so fast. I felt the blood rushing all through my body. My hair breathed in the wind. I took deep full breaths of morning Brooklyn air. I felt so alive. We arrived with the train and just barely made it on. We tied. We were laughing silly. It felt so wonderful to be so careless for a few minutes. But then I remembered Carlo and the bliss ended. Rickie gave me a sympathetic look. I sat down on a bench and she sat down next to me. “Hey, It could be worse, babe. Listen today I want you to forget about him okay. Today, It’s just you and me in the greatest city in the world, okay. We are gonna go do whatever the hell we feel like doing. We’re gonna go to lady liberty, times square, the NYSE, The Empire state building, ground zero, Chinatown and little Italy. We’re gonna go everywhere okay? And we’re gonna be crazy and we’re gonna scream and run around topless if you want! C’mon Frankee! We’re gonna have it good today, okay? Just don’t think about him for today okay?” “Okay I promise” I said with the smile coming back to my face. We went down to the financial district to see all the business people and lawyers rush to work. We went into a courtroom and witnessed a hearing. Then we went to city hall to witness a wedding. The couple was eloping and they didn’t mind our presence. They were happy that someone wanted to see them get married. Around noon we went to Times Square and decided to sing on the street corner for money. We sang Motown favorites and Sinatra, even some Elvis. That’s where we met Tikwon. He asked to film us with his camera and we were thrilled. He was making a movie about street entertainment/vendors in the city. Instead he ended up following us for the rest of the day. I ended up making movies with him for the rest of the summer. He followed us to Ellis Island, up in the lady of liberty, also In Chinatown where we all had dinner. When night fell we went to the top of the Empire State building and looked at New York in all its glory. We talked and wondered…how many people were having sex, how many people are looking up at us right now, how many people are about to get divorced, how many cheaters were getting caught tonight, pretty much everything.
It was a great day. I felt so free and powerful. After the subway heart to heart between Rickie and me, I don’t think I gave Carlo a second thought.
That summer I spent a lot of time with Tikwon. We would always venture out into the city trying to get interesting pieces to make documentaries. We made many successful ones. Our footage was very interesting to get. We made a documentary about gun control and crime in our city- that was the riskiest and most exiting one to make. We ambushed politicians and tried to get their insights and asked what is actually being done. We were blown off a lot, but we actually got invited to the DA’s office so we could talk and interview. We took a walk through south Bronx to go around asking people how they felt about crime, and if they had ever been victimized or witnessed one. Almost everyone said yes. We even got chased because we got footage of an actual brawl where a man got shot. The guy with the gun began to shoot at us when he discovered where we were hiding. He chased us through many streets through a building into an apartment and down a fire escape. We finally lost him when we jumped on a bus. I never told anyone about that manhunt. But our footage helped the police catch the guy and put him away. Our other documentaries were people who struck our fancy, smoking, hookers, flea markets and lots of other random footage that was interesting and appealing. Tikwon wanted to do an interview with me where he asked me my life story. It took 5 hours to film. He asked me about my mother, my family, Rickie, Carlo, Everything. It was like one very big analysis of my entire life and everything in it. There were many tears and laughs throughout the process. In the end, I felt I had a better understanding of my own life and my feelings. And I think that’s what led me back to Carlo. All the questions he asked, all the feelings that went through in my head and my heart; It was like my whole life made sense to me for a little while, but only for a little while. It put one thing in perspective- I loved Carlo and couldn’t cut him out of my life. I cared for him and we belonged together. It was like one magnificent thing through two people. I feel like god brought Tikwon to me, to bring me back to Carlo. I knew I had to get him back.

Mr. Smith...Again

2005-08-17T21:28:00.000-04:00

I went to school for registration today. I got the same science teacher as last year(yea!). He is SO hot! But I also got the same math teacher as last year, Mr. Smith(no!). he didn't like me very muck, i don't think, plus he's a hard teacher. HE's stubborn mean and almost impossible to get extra help from without getting a hard time. Come to think about it you can't ask questions in his class without him giving you a hard time. Mr. Smith thought i was on drugs, just because i was rubbing my eyes in his clas and they ended up red. HE says "Shro, (long pause, everyone is silent) get off them drugs, Girl(he's black by the way)! You are just too young to be caught up in such a mess." then he goes on for about 6 minutes about how i shouldn't be a junkie,and the class just sort of laughs.I'm not a junkie, the worst thing i've gone is cigarettes. In my defense it was a monday morning (2nd hr.) after a sleepless weekend. Anyway, I can't wait too see his face when he calls my name for attendance. That should be fun. BUt however, i am switching out of his class.

Aside from that the only other thing that happened today that's worth acknowledgement in this post is that my mom forgot to pick me up from the gym and i sat outside on the sidewalk for 1/2 an hour waiting. O well. no point in bitching.

i think i'll be okay, i hope.....

2005-08-16T21:52:00.000-04:00

my brother came back, but only for a little while. He found a place near OCC, where he's gonna be going to school. There was a lot of yelling when i left the house. I was gone for about 5 hours. When i came back, he was gone , but he returned shortly after i did. He came back. we were all okay for that time. No yelling. No nothing. We talked in a civil manner all of us. It almost never happens. For a family of 4 we are VERY difunctional, but what can you do? Anyway, HE moves out for good next week. I think he'll leave, and we'll all be at peace with each other. I think i'll be okay. i hope.....

drumroll please(frankee's story)....

2005-08-16T19:33:00.000-04:00

this is the story i said I would post. FYI- this is a flashback, marty is her current boyfriend who just said those 3 words that change everything. Enjoy.

“marty, I do love you. I just felt guilty, I owe you an explanation. See, in high school I dated this guy, Carlo. He worked at the family restaurant. He was a year older than I was. Anyway we started dating when I was 14. We fell in love, the works. He always was jealous of other guys and me, but that’s what made him so sweet, he cared. Anyway, the summer after I graduated daddy, bobby, angela, the kids, Al, my aunt Gina and uncle Vinnie, Vito, Tony, Gianni, and Devon all went to Italy for a month. It was fun but it was hell for carlo. He couldn’t an entire month of not seeing me, knowing that I was gonna be surrounded by Hunky Italians for a month and not seeing him. I enjoyed the views, but I really did miss him. I truly did love him with all my heart. How could I not? He was handsome, funny, and devoted. He talked too much and was self conscious, but it was those imperfections that made him so perfect for me. Anyway, when we finally came back, HE asked my family for my hand. They were thrilled, obviously. They loved him like a member of the family, which he practically was. He threw a party and invited all of his family and friends and my family and friends. Everyone knew he was going to propose, except me. It came as such a surprise, but I was so happy. Everything was perfect, I was marrying the guy I love, I was gonna help out with the family business and pretty soon take over it with my uncle bob and future husband, Everything was absolutely perfect. In the back of my mind I knew it all too good to be true, b/c stuff like that doesn’t happen to people like me. And of course I was right. About a month before the wedding he was visiting an old friend in south Bronx. It was nighttime. He called me, told me he was coming home, I told him to be careful……………………………………………………..
HE was killed in a drive-by shooting. It wasn’t intended for him. But shit happens. It happens to me. It took me forever to get out of the house again. I’m still not quite fully recoved. It still hurts when I think about it. This is the first time I’ve talked about it since it happened. HELL, I lost my virginity to him! He’s the only person I’ve ever been with, actually. Hunny , what I’m trying to say is that it’s been a while since I’ve opened up and loved someone. It’s just been so hard, because I stil feel guilty. But I do love you. Very much.. And I want to stop feeling guilty because it wasn’t my fault. And I want to love again, because I know how it is the sweetest thing. So marty, please give me a second chance and I promise to try my very best to love you with everything I have.”
“Frankee, you never even blew your first one. You were like a lost ship looking for the lighthouse fog light you sailed away from. That fog light broke, so you found mine instead.”
“ I’ve been lost for 6 years and you finally brought me back to where I want to be…with you.”
*****
“I never knew my mom. I was a mistake. She was 14 when she had me. My dad was 15. Anyway after her parents disowned her my fathers’ family took her in. She gave birth. About 2 weeks afterward she ran away and all the note said was a very selfish and irresponsible “I’m Sorry”. I’ve never seen her before and I know if I ever did I’d kill her just for what she put my dad and my family through.”

My dad first got married when I was 13. It was like hell for me because I felt like I was losing my only parent to some blonde woman who talks weird.

*****

he came over while I was babysitting. The kid wouldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong. He came and I was very stressed. “Hey, I heard you were babysitting and thought I might drop by.” “Aw, Carlo I don’t know what’s wrong with ‘em! He won’t stop crying! I tried everything; I don’t know what to do!” “lemme try” he said as he came in and made his way to the baby. He put both his hands on his stomach and started shaking them gently. It worked. “When I was a baby my mom ways put me in this vibrating chair and it kept occupied for hours, go get something that vibrates and stick it in the crib.” Carlo had saved me. I was so happy that I hugged him. We embraced for a while unintentionally. I think we stood there for a good 5 minutes not saying anything. I was getting really nervous, this had never happened before. I have had a crush on Carlo ever since I was a toddler. I looked up into his eyes. I could tell he was holding his breath. I was holding mine. He looked at my lips and back at my eyes. I smiled he went in 90% and I finished off the 100. It was amazing. His tongue was rich and moist on mine. His lips were full and soft. I never wanted to let go of him. I had one hand on his shoulder and the other on the back of his head in his silky hair. Both of his hands started on my lower back and they followed each other up to my hair. I was dazed. “oh frankee, I’ve been wanting to do that for so long” he said as he was breathing out nervously . He too, was mystified. “Carlo, I think we both wanted each other since forever ago.” “Yea?” “Yea!” We both began to laugh, a laugh of relief, a laugh of satisfaction a heartfelt laugh. We sat down. “Listen” I said “ lets just keep this whole thing a secret for now.” “Of course, I don’t think we’re ‘ready’ to let everyone know yet, are we?” “No, lets just give this thing a chance to happen and we’ll tell when we’re ready.” “Okay honey”

We couldn’t tell everyone right away, my family is crazy. They’ll just stick us in a pressure cooker until we explode. We needed time to get into each other which didn’t take long. We’d meet at the roof of mr. catchitori’s fruit and vegetable market to be alone. We snuck kisses when he was over my house chillin with my cousins.

It was really Hard Not being able to tell my best friend Rickie. Rickie knows me to good. She knew I was hiding something and she kept on me about it till I was fed up and told her off. We didn’t talk for 2 day. Those were one of the longest 2 days in my life. When me and Carlo met mr. catchitori’s, I didn’t mean too, but I just started crying. I couldn’t stand not being able to tell Rickie about this new exiting part of my life. He understood, he couldn’t stand not being able to tell Gianni. He told me to tell her. It might make sneaking around a little easier. I called her up immediately. I told her how sorry I was and that Carlo and I had hooked up and that it killed me not being able to tell her. She was thrilled for me of course. We probably couldn’t have snuck around for as long as we did if it wasn’t for her.

After 3 weeks, Uncle vinnie caught us. . We weren’t really about uncle Vinnie he wasn’t a very big talker. But he used it against me a lot. 3 months later Angela caught us. We made her swear not to tell ANYONE. It took a lot of convincing not to tell my dad but we finally got through to her. We just weren’t ready yet.

One Friday night we were all in the living room watching a flick when I went in to make popcorn. Carlo went in for a “refill” We started kissing really intensely practically making out on the countertop. Bobby came in on us and we didn’t even notice….but everyone else in the living room did. Suddenly a mob of angry Italians ambush us. Carlo was scared shitless to see Tony, Vito, Gianni, Bobby, my Dad, and grandpa getting up about to murder him. He got behind me and made sure I was between him and them. Everyone tried to take a shot at him but they were restrained by me, Gina Angela, or Louisa. Uncle was just standing in the back laughing. After a lot of yelling, I finally got everyone to calm down and listen. Carlo began “I swear we weren’t just messing around. We’ve been dating for five months” A commotion broke out, but Angela silenced it. I began “I’m sorry, we just weren’t ready to tell yet, it’s just that he’s like part of the family and we needed to get through the first stage without all the pressure.” “MR. R, please know that I would never do anything to disrespect your family. I’m sorry everyone had to find out this way. But believe me when I say this isn’t a casual fling, I- I love Frankee, very much” “you do???” I said in total surprise “yea, “he said slowly and nervously, “I really do.” “Aw Carlo I love you too!” I hugged and kissed him right there in front of everyone. For those few seconds we had forgotten about my family. Silence was upon everyone; the TV was still running in the back ground. Angela stepped in and broke the silence “Now come on, this isn’t so bad. I mean in the back of our minds and hearts, didn’t we all hope this would happen? Who better then Carlo would we want to love Frankee? Look at them; can’t you see the love in their eyes for one another? We have to be supportive so they’ll feel comfortable about this. I mean if Frankee can’t tell her own family about her love, who can she tell? Who can she trust?” Silence filled the room once again. “I’m really sorry you guys” I said. Then uncle Vinnie started laughing. Gina smacked him and said “you knew about this didn’t you?!” “YEA! So did Angela! I bet she prepped that speech in case this happened!” My dad went blank suddenly “you knew about this?” “Robert, honey, I was only trying to help my daughter.” My grandpa looked at me all serious, then he smiled and began laughing and came over and gave me a bear hug, then he gave one to Carlo. I began to feel a flicker of relief. Then Louisa came over and did the same the Gianni came over to Carlo and apologized for trying to kill him and then he hugged me and kissed me on my forehead. Then everybody apologized and was laughing again; everyone except for Bobby.

He just slipped out of the room casually. I noticed and went after him. I found him in our room, just staring. “Hey, u okay?” he looked at me really deeply. “ How come you told Vinnie and Angela, but not me, you don’t think I could keep a secret??!!” “No, no bobby! We didn’t tell Vinnie and Angela! They caught us and we made them swear by saints not to tell a soul! And if I recall good, you were the one who caught us tonight and let everyone know. I was afraid you’d get really upset and yell or something…. Like you did tonight.” He looked at me with those same deep eyes “God dammit Frankee!!!!!!!! It’s just that I tell you just about everything, you’re my favorite person in the whole world and I know I’ve never said this but” he paused and calmed down and said “you’re my best friend babe. And I thought I knew you, like you knew me. It just feels like a really big bitch slap.” It was my turn to stare deeply. “Bobby, you do know me. Carlo is the only thing I never told you about. I never meant to hurt you. Bobby I love you and you’re my favorite person too. I mean c’mon we’re ROOMIES! If anything you know me better then I know myself. I just want you to be happy for me because Carlo makes me really happy.” We looked at each other deeply. He got smirky I smiled and laughed and put my head against his. We hugged and laughed and smiled. “Promise me one thing, Frankiee” “anything” “promise me I won’t get bumped by Carlo, promise me I’ll always be you’re favorite.” “I promise you Bobby, no one could ever take your place. You’re still the funniest, kindest, person I love. I mean Bobby; you’re my go-to guy when something goes wrong. You always were and you always will be. So are we good now?” “Yea, yea we’re good now. Ughhhhh frankee congrats on your new love and I’m glad he makes you happy. And I’m sorry if I gave you a hard time and that I let everyone know…” “Don’t sweat it, okay?”” Aiight!”

2005-08-15T22:50:00.000-04:00

i'm gonna start posting a story i've been working on. It had been in my head for the past year or so. I started writting bits and pieces of it a few weeks ago. I think too much, which is why i started this blog. After i wrote the story, i thoroughly analyzed, like i do with everything. I came to a conclusion. Frankee's life refects my own everything i wish a i had and everything i have too much of. There is no mother in my story, however, i am good friends with my own mother. which is not common with girls my age. Frankee is tight with her father and uncle. I am not very close with my father, i Love him but he never has much to talk to me about. My father dosen't have much to talk about to anyone, except maybe my mother at times. Anyway, Frankee has a big family, I do too. All of her cousins are guys. All of my cousins are guys. Her aunt is not psycho. My aunts are. I want you make some analysis of your own once you read it. Then, tell me what you think.

there he goes...

2005-08-15T20:33:00.000-04:00

my parents kicked my brother out of the house yesterday, he's coming for his things tomorrow. In the back of my mind,I knew he would leave, i just didn't want him to leave like this. I don't want him to have to quit school, but he's gonna have to if he wants to make it someway or another. I hope he comes around and gets his act together. I hope he realizes that he's killing me whenhe acts the way he does. I want him to stop this whole shit streak he been on for the past year and 1/2. I feel like i'm watching him ruin his life with his own two hands At least he stopped the weed...at least i hope he did...you never know when life throws you a curveball, I'v been getting a lot of those lately. Life is just too god damned dramatic. All I wanna do is be relax somewhere far far away with nothing but a pack camel lights and a few espressos. Why do they make it so damn hard to get cigarettes when your 15?? Shit, i get all mine off my brother. o well, looks like someone's gonna be cranky for a while.